July 20, 2010

On staying little

I started today the same way that I have started the past five mornings at La Cabin: with a cup of ridiculously good coffee.  And today was special, because it was just cool enough to sit outside and enjoy that good cup of coffee.


And so there I sat, sipping and thinking.  And there my sweet boy sat across from me, playing away with his cars.  And baby-girl still sleeping in her cozy bed.

IMG_3025-rev vivid

And AB’s parents commenced with a ritual they’ve been doing for years.  And no, it’s not walking the dogs – although that’s certainly something they’ve been doing as long as I’ve known them.  No, instead it was this…

and that got me thinking about life, then love, then family, blessings, and all the things under those lists that we take so for granted.  Do I take them for granted?  Sometimes.  Maybe more than I’d like to admit. 

Sometimes I’m underwhelmed with being me.  Can you relate?  Can’t we all?  There’s too much that needs fixin’ on this version of me to ever really feel satisfied.  And that often bleeds over into my parenting.  Too much I do wrong.  Too many mistakes.  Not enough enjoying the moments and all the little things that make them who they are. 

And sometimes, I’m overcome with how fast it’s slipping away…and I’m sad to see it go and begging it to stay, often missing the fact that I’m the one pushing it along and hurrying it out the door.  For selfish reasons, I admit.

And that crushes me.  Because it’s going fast enough on its own without me there shoving it along. 

He’s growing up fast enough. 

And 2 is giving me a run for my middle-aged money.  I’m not even sure what 3 will look like – and honestly, I’m a little afraid.  But too often that is where my focus lives.  The propelling it…him…forward.  Longing for a time when he doesn’t do such and such anymore. 

And what a sad thought it is for me…when these are no longer the little smiles, little eyes and little boy on the other side of my lens.



Valerie said...

We must be sharing a party line. Those thoughts have been dipping their feet in my brain pool too.

I miss you! It looks wonderful to be surrounded by family and just taking a break from it all.

Although you lost me at the fishing dead frogs out of the pool, a no thank you kindly maam.

I'm looking forward to your return probably more than you are, but we'll conjur up some fun stuff here too.

Give my sweet wee ones hugs and kisses from Auntie Valerie

Single PAP said...

i'm so with you on that. toddlers are hard work, but oh so cute. we will look back at our photos wistfully. hard to live in the moment but try we must :)

The Gang's Momma! said...

Well, I've got a unique perspective in that I have one turning 16 in a few weeks and one turning 3 that same week.

It seems like yesterday we were just starting our parenting journey together and now? He's a young man. We are blessed in that we now KNOW how quickly it flies by and we've been more intentional with #5 to savor the seasons. Laugh at the little stuff. Spank less, hug more. Picking our battles more carefully. We were trying to do the parenting thing perfectly with him. Now, we're trying to do it godly. Intentionally. Not that it's terribly different in practice, but our motive is better and we are more relaxed. Now, we have the luxury of knowing that it's really not about us. Ha, at 26 the first time around, I would have not really listened to that lesson and had to learn it the long, hard way.

Makes me grateful for grace. And second (FIFTH!) chances.

Briana's Mom said...

I totally get what you are saying. Toddlers are so much work - but they are wonderful at the same time. I think you will LOVE age three though. I have enjoyed Briana being three so much. She will be 4 in a few weeks and I'm sad. I hope 4 will be as wonderful as 3!!!

Kim said...

Soooo true..
I sooo remember holding Nick and rocking him and now he is in Japan serving our country..
I miss the little things..
the little kisses and hugs and it is soooo fast that they grow up..
cherish every moment girly..