February 14, 2010

Finding Peace

Maybe you're just wondering what's taking so long

What is there to say that's taking so long to say it? maybe you wonder

The truth is, you could click a hundred other blogs and read about a trip to Chin@

You could do that right now

Invariably they would tell a similar experience

A plane ride, a hotel or maybe four

exotic food or not, a crib in the room waiting

site-seeing and pictures

the excitement

the blur of emotion

That Moment

all the paperwork after

the bonding

the fatigue, being ready to come home, and the plane ride

the jet-lag and all that it entails and the new life that continues on and starts over

And I could do that too

I could

It's similar in a blurry kind of way, I guess

If you squint and stand behind the line

You could read it that way

I could read it that way

I'd like to read it that way, actually

I'd like to write it that way and leave it alone

but I can't

I've tried

I just can't

it's not truth

it's not me

it's not her

after four years...no, more than that

the telling deserves better

in this situation

because I think you know

you must at this point

that The Moment and the many after

have not been easy

have not been simple or peaceful or quiet

have not been lovely

if you're outside looking in, some of them have been

a few of them

and when she sleeps, it's as if they all have been

but that's not truth

and I want you to have the truth, actually

because it matters

it does

for you who are waiting

for you who are home already

for you who also feel it but have not verbalized it

for me

and for her

it matters

it's her story and it's worth telling

pain is not pretty

but there is beauty underneath it

it matters

and I promise to share it with you

I just need time

for me

and for her...


Chalk Inscriptions said...

My friend adopted a beautiful Chinese girl at the age of 3. They have a very close bond with lots of love, but my friend shared how the first 6 months were not so sweet. Her daughter would cry uncontrollably for 45 minutes and not want to be touched. Because of the language barrier, my friend pointed to things to find out what she needed. Lots of patience! 5 years later, and what a bond. The first time, her daughter said, "I love you," just melted my friend's heart. Hang in there - the rewards will be great!!

Valerie said...

I agree with you, we've all had more than enough time to learn the outline of the story.

The truth lies in the details, and many people who are waiting have not been privy to the myriad of details that come after the "day", that is after all only one day, the beginning of the real story, many chapters are yet to follow, the rest of the story is where you gain understanding.

Take your time to tell the story as it is unfolding.

I understand.

Love V

Melanie said...

What a lovely photo! So peaceful!

whitney said...

praying for you, for your baby girl. i applaud you for your genuine honesty.

Wendy in OH said...

your words are eloquent. We wait...

Anonymous said...

God bless you and hold you and your family during this time. We did not have this extreme sorrow. Wen was just very clingy and you can see the sorrow in her face the first six months of photos.
Take your time, hold those children tight.
Thanks for sharing from the heart.

Christy Bailey
Mom to Wen july 05

Anonymous said...

I have been following your blog. I am not a professional, but I have been around the "Chinese adoption" world for over six years now. After reading about your child's grieving, I was surprised to learn she is so young. I would not have expected a child this young to grieve for so long (I know a month is really not that long, considering all she has been through, but typically babies don't develop stranger anxiety until 9 months or so). So far, I have only heard of such reactions with children 12 months or older. Have you ruled out medical issues?

I wish you all the best.

S.Wise said...

Find your peace... I am still looking for mine as well. :) Big hug from California!!

meme said...

I pray for mother and daughter to find each other. Time.... Patience....
I will wait for the happy ending !!! From your Kentucky Friend,

Jill said...

been there, done that. take all the time you need!

heather said...

Christie, we have walked this road with Bohden as well. I know that gives you little comfort but I can tell you it is all worth it. That bond WILL develop and it will be a strong one, unbreakable. Bohden was 4.5 months when he came home, age doesn't dictate emotions. Hang in there right now it feels like forever but soon it will be just a raindrop on a beautiful lilly, barely noticeable.
Lots of prayers for all of you.
Heather Chocholaty

Nicole said...

I could have written this post with our last 3 adoptions. In fact, it is very true of our journey right now. I appreciate this post so much!

t~ said...

I love these sorts of posts. Not because I rejoice in the pain, but because I adore the truth.

I understand the pain, the struggle and the depth of heartache these little ones have endured. I don't understand comments like the one above from anonymous to think that a child under a year old would not have memory of their life's experience. Those sort of comments keep the ignorance flowing. Babies feel, remember and experience, thus the reason why I spend an hour of my day teaching my daughter all things infantile that she missed during her 1-12 months of life.

Keep on keeping on...she'll get there and so will you all as a family. & a beautiful family it is indeed!~