Flying

Keira said to me today “Mommy, when I grow up I’d like to still live with you and Daddy. Is that ok?”

I laughed and stroked her hair and looked lovingly at her beautiful face and said “no honey…it’s not”. Because people, at some point I’m going to require eight hours of sleep again in a stretch, can I get an amen?

At some point I’d like to pee without having to discuss all hither and heretofore of My Little Pony.

But actually…if I’m honest…(ish)…I can hardly stand how quickly my kids are growing up. What a strange place to sit – wanting nothing more than to have them healthy, happy, and growing strong and yet all the while trying to stop the clock and freeze time and remember each little moment in sweet detail.

Alas, the crux of parenting – they’re not ours. Not for long anyway. We’re just training them how to be the people they were always meant to be. We’re just “growing” them. Little flowers that push through each phase of new life under our tender and watchful care, until suddenly opening full to show the beauty that God made them into. To grow and to leave. To fly.

When I listen to the them whisper and watch them play…or stare as they run and laugh and fall together in a heap of giggles…I can’t help but feel the heavy sadness that it won’t last nearly long enough for my mamas heart, and yet filled with the joy of being chosen to watch their journey unfold. How lucky are we, I remind myself. How lucky to have front-row seats to these two glorious lives. Where but for the grace of God, we would never have known them at all. Their paths would have been vastly different all the way across the world.

But instead, somehow in the mystery of God’s design and plan – and all the way on this side of my world – here they are; part of my own story and I, a part of theirs. The crying, the laughter, the bumps and bruises, the story-time and playtime, the meals and the prayers and the kisses and hugs. The reassurances, the encouragement, the messes and the clean up.

The day to day living.

And all things My Little Pony and Avengers.

And then suddenly…the flying…

Cherish every moment. Love your babies well…

Kindergarten Round-Up

How can this be?  Friends…tell me!  You were here, right?!?  You read the posts.  He was six months old yesterday.  I swear it!  You’re my witness!

How then is it at all possible that we have received an invitation to Kindergarten Round-Up?  As in, school?  Like REAL school?  As in, blink and he’ll be a Senior in High-School kind of school?

I’m not ready for this.  (as she blows her nose into her hankie)  I mean it.  This is not exactly what I would call “easing a mother in”.  For crying out loud.  I’ve only had five measly years to prep.  {sniffle} That’s like…{cough}….nothing!  Hardly anything.  What the heck?  What, for once can we not go by dog years or something? 

Where was the memo:  “hey, you…mother over there pouring your very soul into your kids…working from sun up to sun down to make sure all is well in their little world?!  Yeah, you!  Go ahead and let those reigns go…we’ve got him from here”.  (sob….sniffle….blows nose again)  "That’s right, Mama…just pack a lunch and send him over.  We’ve got it!  See you at Graduation.“  (Wails into hands….)

{sniffle} I’m just not ready friends…how can he be five?

Don’t blink, mamas out there…

I love you, Quinty!  Don’t grow up too fast, my sweetheart.  Mama’s heart can’t take it.

Raising Daughters

I don’t know about you.  I don’t know how you do it over in your corner of life.  I only know that raising a daughter has taught me EXPONENTIALLY about myself.  Good and bad, beautiful and ugly.  Like a mirror reflected back at me over and over and over.  And it’s good.  It’s all good.

I don’t think I ever realized that having a daughter would alter my view of the world, my view of others, my self-worth, my life perspective, my ability to love and be loved.  No, see…..I didn’t get the memo that there was a sharp personal learning curve ahead with raising a daughter. 

Because now, when I tell my daughter “you can be anything you want to be” I have to ask myself if I believe that is true for me also.  Don’t I believe that for myself – even now – even in middle age?  Don’t I still believe that dreaming those big dreams can still bring great rewards to my life?  Have I let myself believe the “this is it for me” myth?

When I tell her “you are beautiful inside and out” and she turns those gorgeous brown eyes that bore into the fabric of my soul on me and says “you are too, Mommy” – I have to pause and ask myself…do I see myself that way?  Or am I constantly caught up in a self-deprecating trap of low self-worth?  How often do I let her see me content in my own skin?

When I teach her that life is full of adventures and journeys and that her gift will be in uncovering all of them…I hear that whisper in the back of my mind…”when is your next adventure and when did you stop uncovering those gifts?”

I remind her that some people are wonderfully good and yet, some people are not.  That she must learn over time to how to protect herself, create boundaries for herself – all the while loving as openly as she can.  But then I have to ask myself: do I love openly?  Or do I judge first and hope I’m wrong later?  Am I overtly guarded and have I built a fortress so strong around myself in the name “protection” that no one – not even those wonderfully good people – can venture past?

I see the way she loves others, and I am moved beyond explanation.  This little girl, so full of life, heart, and soul.  She oozes love out of her pores and it is such a privilege to be witness to her journey.  Sometimes when the good stuff comes rushing out, I look around to see if anyone else is watching…can anyone see all this beautiful stuff that she just IS?!?  Occasionally, AB will nudge me and say “she gets that from you”.  I instantly rebuff…nah…she’s just goodness inside and out.  She was born that way.  Surely.

But when I see her stubborn streak or she sets about to have a Texas-sized tantrum or she gets a bee in her bonnet to be right about something…then I can’t help but feel guilty.  Oh I recognize that girl.  That’s me.  That’s my temper and my flare for the dramatic and that right there is the bee that I’m always batting at.  She gets that from me. 

The reality is, she is her own person.  Imperfect and flawed and human and delightful and proud and smart and beautiful and all those things.  And she is loved immensely by a God so much bigger than our broken sense of self-worth often allows us to recognize. And yes, she reflects and mimics some of the good and some of the bad behaviors that I display.  I need to make sure I’m giving her the best things to mimic more often.  No doubt about that.

The more important question I have to ask myself is this: do I believe that what I’m teaching Keira is only valid and good and true for her…or it is truth for me too?  I am her first and most important role model.  The single most influential woman in her life.  Do I live that out in all its glory and full color for her to see? Do I show her what it means to be strong, loving, confident, and humble?  Do I exude the confidence of a  Princess of the King?

Because that’s where the real raising of a daughter begins. And it's so much harder to put in motion than just spurring her on to be all that she can be.

It has to start with me.

It just has to.

China Sisters

I hate to say it, but let’s face it – I’m so far behind on posting life type updates, that I could honestly go back two years and we still wouldn’t have covered all the haps.  So forget all that. Ain't nobody got time for that nonsense.  Meanwhile...

We took advantage of our holiday time off (and by holiday, of course, I’m referencing four score and seven years ago…or December) and decided to “road-trip” it.  First stop: off to see one of Keira’s China sisters, Miss R.  They’re from the same orphanage, and we haven’t had the opportunity to see R or her family since our China travels.  I’m sorry.  They’re ridiculously cute.  They just are.

We only got to stay with them for a couple of days, but what a wonderful time we had together.  The girls got along so well!  In no time, they were huddled together playing, hugging, and laughing.  My personal fav – hearing the girls refer to each other as their sister.  Melted my mama heart!  That and seeing them play.  That about did me in…I got all misty-eyed and fogged up my camera trying to snap off some shots of them together.  

What a lovely family they are and such GREAT hosts.  I’m still day-dreaming about the cheesy chicken.  Don’t ask me, I don’t cook. All I can tell you is that Dena had to make two pans of the stuff.  And I can neither confirm nor deny that there was any left.  That’s all I’m saying. Dreamy sigh.

They were just as fun and easy going as the 17 days we spent together all over China.  It was so good to reminisce, catch up, and even compare adventures and experiences.  Thank you for hosting us, dear friends!

I have said this many times, but we feel intimately bonded to the families we traveled with – both in China and Ethiopia.  When we see each other or talk or email, it’s as if no time has passed.  We pick up right where we left off and there is an ease and comfort that’s just unexplainable.  There is just something about sharing such a life changing adventure together, and if you let it, the experience and the bonds you make can last a lifetime.  That’s my hope anyway…

and not just for me…