February 15, 2010

Hope


Today was Keira's 8-month Birthday.  Isn't she something?  Her eyes are these massive dark soulful little numbers that mesmerize me.  She's lived a life most people only hear about...or dread...or fear.  Abandoned.  Left behind.  Twice over.  

But look at her!  So resilient, so wonderful and beautiful and full of life and hope.  I know she has hope, because each day she gets up and she smiles for me. 

When we were in China I would sing her to sleep each night, or try to anyway.  I would sing...

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it's breaking
when there are clouds in the sky
you'll get by
If you smile through your pain and sorrow
Smile...and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through for you...

on and on and on...over and over...trying to comfort her.  Trying to give her hope for tomorrow.  Hoping that she could feel her tomorrows in my arms...knowing that she was having a hard time feeling the next ten minutes in my presence alone.

But actually, all this talk of adjusting...of pain...of heartache is only partially about sweet Keira.  Though her pain was sharp and apparent from the first moment we saw her.  She has been fighting towards joy since the time we met.  Though truthfully, not as apparent to me as it is now that we are home and settling.

Keira's loss will be felt for years to come - there is no doubt in my mind.  But at this tender age, her ability to recall all of the days leading up to this are surely limited.   She knows the moment.  Warmth, hunger, physical comfort...and interaction.  Sweet interaction.    And for this moment, (and many more to come) her needs are being met, and she is more and more at home in our arms every day.  Smiling, laughing, coo-ing and snuggling.  Putting aside, for a little while anyway, her deep loss - if not for any other reason than her young age. 

Instead, most of what I'm referencing here is about the pain, loss, heartache...and hope...of her new mother.

All of this preparing to write out what transpired - it's my heart that I wish to open up.

I hope to be able to express, from a very truthful and deep place, how very raw our trip left both of us feeling.  I hope to be able to reach others.  

To shed truth and light for my part.

Again, not the story of a trip - but the journey of a heart.  

Keira is doing wonderfully day by day...

I'm anxious to share my thoughts with each of you - and I feel like the words are beginning to come to me.

It will be bittersweet to finally share them.  Bitter because they are hard to re-live.  Sweet because joy comes in the morning...and she really is a Joy.

13 comments :

Valerie said...

I'm looking forward to reading your heart's journey.

It is one of your greatest talents.

Love V

Leah said...

What a beautiful song you sing to your little girl. It's so wonderful that you recognize her pain and her hope. She is really a beauty.

Kayce said...

Your posts have been so beautiful Christie and so true for so many of us out here. Thank you for putting them out here and for putting in words what is so hard to write about sometimes.

While our bonding and attachment has been smooth and wonderful, we still have setbacks and our nights are pretty awful for our girl. My saving grace is knowing that I am not alone in this and that this path was set before me long before I knew it.

Your Keira is just beautiful and is SO loved! God is So good!

Anonymous said...

she is a Joy, Keira Joy! Oh Christie she is so beautiful, I just want to hug her and you! Keep singing the song "Smile", it is my all time favorite song ever. Just reading the words I could hear you singing it, beautiful, love you all!!
deany

Christy said...

amazing!! I always feel everything you write as if I were living it myself. Hugs

Anonymous said...

Hang in there STRONG Momma! She looks like she is adjusting each day with more and more comfort and I know that she feels your love and her daddies love also! MIss you!

Anonymous said...

Christie, have U thought of singing, ( I LOVE U A BUSHEL and a PECK?) or how about ( YOU ARE MY SUNSHINE ) These R songs we sang to your Mom and Deanie, also my DAD sang them 2 my sister Sue and Sally. I guess nothing fazed me as 4 them singing 2 me. Ha! Ha!
OUR LOVE 2 U and Family, Grandpa & Grandma GREAT PIC'S of both children our GREAT GRAND KIDSa

Anonymous said...

I've been following your journey. Your daughter is beautiful, your family is beautiful, you are beautiful. We have 2 adopted children. Neither of our children experienced loss like your little one is. I found with our second adoption is where I 'sunk'. The words will come, trust me. I still look back at some of those pictures where I see a smile on my face but a more vivid memory of what was swirling around in my head... You're doing a great job! I offer you an ear to listen or to share my 'sunkin' feelings if you need to feel 'normal' if you need it. It's a courageous thing to offer the truth but that's what helped me feel better. Sue J, Milford, CT suejerue@optonline.net

Sue said...

Looking forward to reading more. In the meantime, enjoying the photos of your princess.

Sue : )

Donna and Joe said...

Kiera will feel more and more at home with you every day and before you know it it will feel like she's been with you since day one.

Even though we missed out on Lauren's first 21 months, in the year that she's been with us we have shared enough closeness, snuggles, kisses and hugs to make up for so much of what was missing from her life before we met her. I can only hope and pray that her early childhood memories are filled with the love she's experienced since being home and not the grief and sadness of losing those she loved in China.

Chalk Inscriptions said...

I love you! You are amazing - don't give up. You are such a beautiful person that will encourage people with your transparency. Thank you for being real!!

Sara W. said...

What a wonderful post. You are helping more people than you know...by journaling the "real" adoption journey. Yes, it is wonderful and full of joy, but there are also twists, bumps, dips, detours, hard hills to climb. Each day will get easier...moment by moment. You and Anton are doing everything right. You are wonderful parents.

Love the picture of Keira on this post. She is soooooo pretty, just precious..and those eyes!! :-)

Hang in there.

Lacie said...

This post is beautiful, and heartbreaking, and sweet, and tender.

Your girl is beautiful and so are you and your soul. I am looking forward to read more, I love how are willing to be open and honest and how you share your journey with us.