August 20, 2007

Post Traumatic Post Disorder - A Post Recall

My blogger friends - it's time to issue a recall of sorts on a previous post:

Remember when I said that you should stay tuned because things in the adoption process twist and change along the way? Let's just say that the continued idea of "virtual triplets" has become a very traumatic vision for me. I have not slept well, I have not been able to cease the obsessive over-thinking, I cannot relax, I cannot take deep breaths...I am suffering from Post Traumatic Post Disorder.

We are knee deep in our Ethiopia dossier process, and it's going very well. But my apprehension has grown and grown and festered for the last few weeks about requesting two babies at once from Ethiopia. More than anything, I want a family. Everyone knows this - and in our anxiousness and haste to be parents, we have perhaps forgotten something really important: capability. In other words, just because you can ask for multiples, doesn't mean you should. Just because it's a carrot they hang in front of you and can pretty much assure you of, doesn't mean you necessarily will have made the best choice if you go for the gusto.

There is a persistent weakness in me to confess that I may not be able to handle three babies all the same age...the idea of virtual triplets has become overwhelming to the point of literal panic on a daily basis. I just don't think I can do it. Remember, the "triplets" come into play because we will have the twins from Ethiopia and then Keira, who will likely be the same age or very close to the babies age. Anton's parents are moving away. My entire family lives out of state. And while I have AMAZING friends in my M3 Posse, helping can only go so far. It's just many, many things (that I won't bore you all with) that direct my heart to say "stop...stop the madness while you still can". I realize that people have multiples all the time, but let's face it - it's not like they said "I'll take three, please!" And it's HARD WORK. I've been following several multiples blogs and I'm just amazed at what these incredible women can pull off. But you certainly take away that it is woefully difficult to pull it off well. That added to the fact that I do have a choice, and if we specify twins, they won't refer us anything but twins - it's a very specific process. The reality was, I was going to get EXACTLY what I asked for - and I'm speaking literally and figuratively.

When it really came time to put it in writing for the dossier and to say what we wanted for our family on paper - when the gavel fell and push came to shove - we both recognized and decided that we would only be asking for one baby, an infant as young as possible. More specifically, we are asking for a son, which we both want very much. So, no twins - no virtual triplets. Actually, if you rationalize that Keira and our baby boy will probably be very close in age anyhow, then we will still kind of have virtual twins. But no three amigos.

I am so ridiculously anxious to meet Keira and to have a daughter, and I know that our relationship will be so special. So I confess, in asking for only one child from Ethiopia, I feel like a huge burden has lifted and I feel like now I won't fear that I will be too tired, too weary, and too run down to love her and adore her in the way that she deserves. To give her that extra attention that she will invariably need from us. I feel that with one little guy toting around, I will have time to bond specifically with him and love him and give him all our attention for several months, if not a year and get him ready to be a big brother to Keira. They will be so different and it will be fun to explore their personalities as we become a family together. All this to say, somehow removing that 5th person from the mix helps me to relax, visualize a level of comfort and peace that I haven't been able to, and to take a deep sigh of relief.

That is not to say that there will never be a #3 for us, or that we might not adopt again in the future, but at this point we are at peace that that decision will come after Keira and not before. We are just going to take a chill pill and let God do the rest. If He has a #3 or even a #4 in store for us down the line, I'm sure He will reveal that in time. Right now, we're going to attempt to keep my sanity and take a little bit smaller steps towards creating our family.

I hope you can all appreciate our taking a step back and re-thinking what was best for us as a family and for me as a first time Mom. As I told my dear friends, have mercy on my tired motherless heart. We are a work in "adoption progress" and we are trying so hard to build our family the only way we know how to. Perhaps our ambition is outweighed by our reality on occasion, and we just had to take a step back and re-think before we bit off more than we could chew.

Ya with me? (gulp)


Erin said...

As I told you last night, you know I'm with ya. I admire both of you so much and can't wait to meet your little guy and little girl! Love you!!!!

Unknown said...

What a wonderful honest post!!I cant wait to see your family pictures..Your blog has always been so real!!

Lili said...

I am still in awe that you are adopting two at a time - amazing and wonderful! Just think: with two little patooties, you will have man-on-man coverage! take care -Lili

Dena said...

Totally with ya! You do such an amzazing job of explaining your heart, wish I could do that half as well! I think you and Anton are right where you need to be and making great decisions. Thank you for letting us all come along for the ride!
Still Praying,

Beth said...

What a hard decision it must have been, but only you and the Lord know what is best for your family. What peace you must feel!

Pish on anyone who EVEN attempts to give you a hard time about any of this adoption process! You have a good listening ear, keep it up. He hears y'all loud and clear.

YIPEEE! When you have your son, he can join the girls the next time we go to DQ! He will be ready show Keira the ropes when she is here to join in. Can't believe Lil Miss Firecracker had not had a DQ experience before yesterday! I am so ashamed being a native Texan and all.

Praying for you, praying with you and expecting His loving reply!

Anonymous said...

So glad you decided on one and not two. We love you and do not wish to discourage you in anyway, but twins and then a third child all at once, I think is just more than you should take on. You want to be good parents, giving lots of time and love, but if your time is taken up making formula, washing cloths, changing diapers etc., it would be a lot of work and not a lot of play. The point is to be the best you can be and I think, (no pun) baby steps are best! Bravo on your decision. There will always be children in need of a loving family, and how fun to add a baby when you have two already old enough to get excited about it!! love you

Anonymous said...

Whatever decision you make, whether 1 baby or 10 (yikes), I support you. All that matters is what feels right for you and AB.