September 12, 2007

Really Expensive Idiot

Tonight, AB and I had gone to our weekly Bible Study at a friends and then stopped for some good old fattening S@nic on the way home. As we tore into our late dinner at the dining table, Anton noticed we had a message. Odd. People usually know to call our cells. We listened and as we munched on tator tots and corny dogs, this is what we heard:

Mr. B...you need to call "us" as soon as possible...we suspect you have been the victim of fraudulant acitivty on your credit card. Here's "our" number.

I about gagged up my double mustard burger! We just kind of looked at each other and AB - calm as a cucumber, kept right on eating his dinner. I said (yelped) "aren't you going to call them? You have to call them right now! You have to see what this is about! Oh my gosh...I can't believe it! You have to call them..." He took a swig of his Route 44 Apple Lime@ide and stared at me while I went into fits of hysteria. When he was done eating, he sauntered over to the phone and called. He went through the generics of proving to be who he said he was by verifying this and that. By the way, we didn't call the number on the machine - we called the number on the card. But right away, they started in on the fraud talk. They started listing off charges to prove or disprove that they were legit. Anton said this:

"Yep...that's us...yep...yep...yep...yep...well sir, we do love our Wii....yep...yep...(at this point I'm almost embarrassed. But to be fair, we use this card for everything and then pay it off each month to rack up on air miles) yep...yes, that's us too...
um, NOOOOO and NOOOOO......yeah ok, that's a problem."

Folks, let me just say that if the THIEF had been brilliant enough to go to Walm@rt, T@rget, C@rters, S@m Moon, I could go on and on, then we would have had a really big problem over here at La Casa B. Anton would have assumed that in my long term paper pregnancy and what with my gestation of a lemon shark (2 years!!) that I had finally gone and lost my mind and not only bought but hidden $2000 worth of goods.

Good thing our THIEF was an idiot and made a major mistake. They forgot the old adage to "know thy freaking audience". If you're gonna rip someone off, at least try to make it seem like it could have just been the owner. But this fool, who we can only assume is a woman or an exceedingly flashy transvestite, bought $2000 in makeup. Now people - puh-lease! If you know me at all, you know that I wear makeup only under extreme duress these days. I can't bring myself to be bothered. I work from home and just don't like to mess with it unless I'm heading out to church or a nice dinner out. AB took one look at me while the rep listed off "Cosmetics from Spain" and knew that his wife could never, would never, have wasted a shopping spree on improving her own personal state of facial art. And with that it was resolved - the wife, who loves to shop, had been cleared of all guilt (not that AB really thought it was me anyway). Thank you Ms. Thief for being an idiot and for not taking my card and your excursion to my favorite stores...

Puuuuu-lease, honey! Give me a stinkin' break! This face ain't buying it!

Meanwhile, you can see from the pictures my present state - sans makeup as per usual - and this is face I gave Anton when I heard the rep say "...blah blah...Makeup from Spain.....blah blah..."

Hello stupid rip-off person?!? Give a non-makeup wearing sista a break already!
That's all I'm saying..."Make-up from Spain" indeed...more like "make-down" from W@lmart and only if it's on sale sista! Can I get an Amen? Shoot...


*Meanwhile, the company was great - we were credited back the money, the cards were destroyed, and new ones are on the way. But I hate bad people. The world just stinks sometimes.

6 comments :

Stacy said...

You are so funny!

$200 on make-up from Spain? The thing is she (he/she) probably only got two or three tubes of make-up that stuff is so darn expensive.

I am like you - I don't bother with the make-up thing unless I am going some place special.

Doris & Dan said...

Only you can make identity theft funny!

Makeup from Spain...Hola, el grandiose rip off.

Keep smilin!

amy said...

YOu always write great posts..Sorry this happened to you and hope all of make-up spills all over her clothes

Erin said...

Are you serious? This is the funniest thing I have read in a while! Love you!

Headmeister said...

Girl, you look fab without makeup. If I could get away without it, I totally would. However when I don't wear makeup, people think I'm not feeling well. I guess that just about sums it all up right there...lol.

Sorry about the CC fraud. sometimes, people just... suck...lol.

OH - and thanks for getting my appetite going for a double mustard burger at 8 in the morning.... curse you wretched woman...lol.

Paul & Robyn: said...

Girl,
I know it is not funny but IT IS!!!!

Did you at least get to keep the $2000 worth of airlines miles????

Love ya!!