January 13, 2010

One last post



Yesterday we took a 4 hour drive to meet Anton's parents at the halfway point.  After a quick meal, we walked to the car smiling and speaking encouraging words to Quint.  But once the toys, blankets, boosters seat, luggage, and all the tiny details of everyday life with my boy had been transferred to Grandpa's car, there was only one thing left to do. 

Say goodbye to him.

Even now, the next day, I get choked up writing that.  I know all the positive things - they're there floating around the sadness and comforting me in waves

He'll be fine
He's with family
He'll have fun with his cousins
He is so loved
He's so young, he'll hardly remember this time in a year
He'll be so happy to have a sister
You're doing the right thing
Everything is fine...

Everything...is...

I cried and Anton did not.  Not because Anton wasn't sad to leave Quint behind, because that goes without saying.  More so because one of us had to drive the car and keep it on the road.  Since I had already buried my face deep into several tissues and the sounds of sobs emanating from my shoulders and moving upward had filled the space of our small sedan, Anton took the reigns and graciously got us home.  He made the four hours we had to trek back unbelievably fast and I was grateful.

I slept part of the way, cried part of the way, sat in silence...stared out the window watching the movement of small towns fly by. 

I was able to recognize even then, and I see more clearly now, that my tears weren't just about leaving our sweet boy behind.  Though it nearly broke my heart to drive away from him.

It was about much more. 

I think I was crying because it's finally time.

Four years kind of time.

So much was put on hold.  So much waited.  So much sat shelved.  So many plans in limbo.

Not just things.  Hearts.

Throughout this wait for Keira, I rarely let myself weep over the increasing timeframe.  I think it was my way of coping.  For me, to cry was to say "this is hopeless" and I refused to believe that.  I refused to believe that her name on the wall was a pipe-dream that I needed to release myself from.  I refused to think that in this lifetime I would not hold our daughter...our Keira Joy.

I had even rationalized that I might hold a second daughter, whose name I have no idea.  (yet)  But letting go of Keira was like breaking my heart into tiny pieces.  And so I couldn't.  Wouldn't.

So, while it would be foolish to say that I've not cried these past four years - I can say with some certainty, that very rarely were my tears over our China process.

Hope is worth holding onto.  Without it, what then do we have?

So, there I sat in the car.  Shoulders shaking.  Sobs coming from my mouth and tears draining down my face.  Anton quietly supportive and keeping his eyes on the road.  Occasionally reaching over to touch my arm or pat my leg. 

So much to be thankful for.  So much to be proud of.  I made it.  We made it.  I'm happy.

Tears.

I'm not afraid to go to China.  I'm not afraid to fly for hours and hours.  I'm not concerned about a new culture and new surroundings.  I'm not overwhelmed by being away from home. 

Tears.

I'm happy.

Aside from missing my little man, which I surely will, I felt like four years of bottled up tears were finally letting themselves go.  Off to be free.  Out of my system and moving on.

I was happy to say that I had made it.  I was happy to realize that Keira was never just a dream.  She was not just a far off someday.  She was part of me.  She was real.  And she was coming home.

Finally.

Tears.

That's how I got through it.  That's how I survived the wait.  That's how I made it this far.

She's part of me.  And nothing that I could hold in my power was going to keep me from her.

Certainly not money.  Certainly not waiting.

There was more to my tears than parting with my son.

There was a depth and a texture to them.  Almost like each tear that fell gently whispered to me "finally....." as they slid down my face and into those tissues.

Releasing me...

Releasing Keira...

Releasing our family...

And so now we move on.

Now we can.

It's finally time.


We leave early tomorrow morning.  You can follow us starting today over at our TRAVEL BLOG HERE.  

Or just click this link - http://keirajoy.shutterfly.com/  

Be sure to bookmark us to your favorites, so you'll remember to visit!

We'll post to the travel blog while in China, so look for pictures, video, and daily posts as we have access to do so.

I'll return to regular posting here at Bushel and a Peck after we return to the States on January 30th.

Pray for us.  Safe travels, well-being, health, attachment, safety, learning experiences, new friends, bonding, and anything else you can think of.

Pray for us.  A huge journey that we've been on for four years is about to come to a finale.

Last night I was walking through the kitchen, and I stopped and looked over in the corner.  There was a picture of my upcoming life.  A chair that had been relegated to the garage for the past year as our boy had outgrown it.  A chair that had been brought back in, cleaned up, and put in its place - ready for use again...



It's time...





27 comments :

Anonymous said...

All of you will be in my thoughts and prayers every step of the way! ~Holly

Young Creations said...

Christie and Anton,
I am so glad and overjoyed for you and your family. I wish you safe travels. Take every moment in and enjoy.
Love,
Lauren

The Gang's Momma! said...

Ahhhhh! It's time. Yes, it is. And this post so very eloquently says what we felt when we pulled out of the driveway that sad/happy/exciting/nerve-wracking/crazy September morning almost 18 months ago.

Go get your girl! And I'm going to bookmark the other blog. Fly safe :)

Brendadan912 said...

Congratulations on the beginnning of your journey to your daughter!
I am also going to China on the 15 of January and coming home the 29th. I am adopting a 7 year old girl and have to leave my 6 year old son home with his dad. I am going to Guangzhou to stay at the White Swan, so if you are there I would love to meet you.
Brenda (I am from Michigan).
http://journeytobrettssister.blogspot.com/

Aaron & Whitney Pratt (A&W) said...

Absolutely beautiful post. Wow. This just seems to sum up your whole LONG wait. Thank you for writing such a eloquent post. Applause, applause. I know our Ethiopia wait was not as long as your China wait, but the emotions are so real and beautiful.

Aaron & Whitney Pratt (A&W) said...

Prayers for you journey to Keira!!!

Debbie said...

Happy and safe travels to you! This has been a long journey, but your patience is paying off and all will soon be behind you. I'll be sure to follow along on your travel blog.

One other quick note on our adoption front. We passed court last Friday and will be heading to Ethiopia around Valentine's Day to bring home our precious Ethiopian princess. Lots of good things happening for both of us right now.

Paul and Robyn: said...

Yep girl, it really is time, kind of hard to believe it's finally here!! Just think 3 weeks from now you will be home settleing in with your little family of 4!! Can't wait see pics of Keira in your arms.

Smooches!!!

Cora said...

"It's time" Sums it all up. I can't wait to follow your journey to China and see Keira finally in your arms!

Take care and safe travels.

Emy said...

Tears Tears Tears!
So excited for you all, so excited to follow along, so excited that it's finally time!!!!!!!

I won't have ANY PROBLEM remembering to check over at the travel site, ha ha ha!

(((((HUGS)))))

Chris and Freddy said...

Finally the time has come!! CONGRATS! Will definitely follow your travel blog!!!

Jodi Sue said...

what a beautiful sight - that adorable high chair back from the garage - where it should be - can't wait to see Ms. Keira Joy squishing food all over her face while sitting in it! :)

Love you - will be following your journey and praying for you constantly!!!!

Valerie said...

Lady C,

The time has been so much longer than we all originally thought. So many more obstacles to hurdle and sufffer through. So many times when it would have been so easy to say, enough, I can't do it anymore,but you persevered and now the payoff is a daughter who was meant to be with you before she was born, while you were waiting so was she, waiting to come down and take her place with her forever family.

Everytime I see the process come full circle it amazes me, The mountain is before you, then it is under you, then it is behind you.

To conquering mountains in life!

I can not wait to see you all and welcome that baby home to her new and wonderful life.

Love Valerie

Anonymous said...

WOW! I am so happy for you that it is FINALLY that time. Looking forward to seeing your trip and Keira finally in your arms. Happy and safe traveling to you both.

xoxo,
Shelli

Jenn said...

You have a gift in your writing, Christie! You sum it up so well. It's why I cried when we got on the plane. It's why I cried when we got off in Beijing. It's why I cried at the stupid medical exam in Guangzhou and when they delivered the freaking White Swan Barbie to our room. It was all evidence that the wait was over, we made it in one piece and our daughter was REAL! Love it. Can't wait to follow your travel blog. It's been a long time coming, Momma!

Single PAP said...

prayers for safe travels and many hugs to baby keira!

Briana's Mom said...

Praying for all of you and wishing you all the best on your journey to China! Safe travels!!!!!

meme said...

BEAUTIFUL Post. Prayers for a safe journey and return HOME! Now lets go to China! From your Kentucky Friend

Cate said...

It certainly is time. Have a wonderful, safe trip! I can't wait to see her in your arms.

Kelly and Todd said...

I'm crying after reading your post - tears of joy and happiness for you - it's finally time!! I will be following along on your journey and wish you very safe travels.

Best wishes for a wonderful trip to China - woo hoo it's Keira time!

-- kelly :-)

Kayce said...

Yup! It's time! Thinking of you guys a lot the last few days and will be keeping you ALL in our prayers over the next few weeks. Off to follow the travel blog! Next stop Keira Joy!

Eloise said...

Beautiful post. You have such an elegant way of putting your thoughts and feelings into words.

Hooray for tears of joy! Can't wait for those posts from China to start.

Safe travels. Love you!!

Isabella's Mommy and Daddy said...

LOVE this post..
I know what you mean about not crying..
I keep the faith and I know one day I will hold Isabella.
I am sooo excited for you my friend..
I can't wait to see Keira Joy in your arms..
Love ya...
Safe travels..

Room for Grace said...

Beautiful post! So glad you had that time to let it all out to make room for what is waiting for you on the other side of the world. I think it's so important to acknowledge what you've been through to get to this point, it's healthy and frees you up to let in the "Joy". I CANNOT wait for your China posts, but alas, wait I will! I told Ella that you guys were leaving today and she got all excited and said "then we have to PRAY!!!! Pray all day!!!". And we are.
Love ya!
Dena

Diana said...

Just think if China had not had the HUGE slow down you might not have the beautiful son you have today:) I know it is easy to say everything happens for a reason when you are the one waiting but...
Hugs to you and can not wait to see your girl in your arms and even more excited to see the pictures of your family of 4 a few weeks from now!!!

Stephanie W. said...

I love you so much! Your heart is so beautiful. It is hard to not have wet eyes after reading your story. Eloquent!

Anonymous said...

christie...im jumping over from shutterfly on jan 20th as i didnt want to sign in. hope you find this post. how can she not love you and anton?!! you are all about the loving, and she is a very lucky and blessed girl. wait till she gets a hold of her brother!! soon she will be smiling as big and as much as you all do! just hang tough and stay faithful. you are great parents. mrs.k.