Yesterday we took a 4 hour drive to meet Anton's parents at the halfway point. After a quick meal, we walked to the car smiling and speaking encouraging words to Quint. But once the toys, blankets, boosters seat, luggage, and all the tiny details of everyday life with my boy had been transferred to Grandpa's car, there was only one thing left to do.
Say goodbye to him.
Even now, the next day, I get choked up writing that. I know all the positive things - they're there floating around the sadness and comforting me in waves
He'll be fine
He's with family
He'll have fun with his cousins
He is so loved
He's so young, he'll hardly remember this time in a year
He'll be so happy to have a sister
You're doing the right thing
Everything is fine...
I cried and Anton did not. Not because Anton wasn't sad to leave Quint behind, because that goes without saying. More so because one of us had to drive the car and keep it on the road. Since I had already buried my face deep into several tissues and the sounds of sobs emanating from my shoulders and moving upward had filled the space of our small sedan, Anton took the reigns and graciously got us home. He made the four hours we had to trek back unbelievably fast and I was grateful.
I slept part of the way, cried part of the way, sat in silence...stared out the window watching the movement of small towns fly by.
I was able to recognize even then, and I see more clearly now, that my tears weren't just about leaving our sweet boy behind. Though it nearly broke my heart to drive away from him.
It was about much more.
I think I was crying because it's finally time.
Four years kind of time.
So much was put on hold. So much waited. So much sat shelved. So many plans in limbo.
Not just things. Hearts.
Throughout this wait for Keira, I rarely let myself weep over the increasing timeframe. I think it was my way of coping. For me, to cry was to say "this is hopeless" and I refused to believe that. I refused to believe that her name on the wall was a pipe-dream that I needed to release myself from. I refused to think that in this lifetime I would not hold our daughter...our Keira Joy.
I had even rationalized that I might hold a second daughter, whose name I have no idea. (yet) But letting go of Keira was like breaking my heart into tiny pieces. And so I couldn't. Wouldn't.
So, while it would be foolish to say that I've not cried these past four years - I can say with some certainty, that very rarely were my tears over our China process.
Hope is worth holding onto. Without it, what then do we have?
So, there I sat in the car. Shoulders shaking. Sobs coming from my mouth and tears draining down my face. Anton quietly supportive and keeping his eyes on the road. Occasionally reaching over to touch my arm or pat my leg.
So much to be thankful for. So much to be proud of. I made it. We made it. I'm happy.
I'm not afraid to go to China. I'm not afraid to fly for hours and hours. I'm not concerned about a new culture and new surroundings. I'm not overwhelmed by being away from home.
Aside from missing my little man, which I surely will, I felt like four years of bottled up tears were finally letting themselves go. Off to be free. Out of my system and moving on.
I was happy to say that I had made it. I was happy to realize that Keira was never just a dream. She was not just a far off someday. She was part of me. She was real. And she was coming home.
That's how I got through it. That's how I survived the wait. That's how I made it this far.
She's part of me. And nothing that I could hold in my power was going to keep me from her.
Certainly not money. Certainly not waiting.
There was more to my tears than parting with my son.
There was a depth and a texture to them. Almost like each tear that fell gently whispered to me "finally....." as they slid down my face and into those tissues.
Releasing our family...
And so now we move on.
Now we can.
It's finally time.
We leave early tomorrow morning. You can follow us starting today over at our TRAVEL BLOG HERE.
Or just click this link - http://keirajoy.shutterfly.com/
Be sure to bookmark us to your favorites, so you'll remember to visit!
We'll post to the travel blog while in China, so look for pictures, video, and daily posts as we have access to do so.
I'll return to regular posting here at Bushel and a Peck after we return to the States on January 30th.
Pray for us. Safe travels, well-being, health, attachment, safety, learning experiences, new friends, bonding, and anything else you can think of.
Pray for us. A huge journey that we've been on for four years is about to come to a finale.
Last night I was walking through the kitchen, and I stopped and looked over in the corner. There was a picture of my upcoming life. A chair that had been relegated to the garage for the past year as our boy had outgrown it. A chair that had been brought back in, cleaned up, and put in its place - ready for use again...