Rebuilding the Family Mold

Friends - I've debated heavily about sharing this tender portion of my life with you. So for my sake - please no J.A.B - Judgement, Advice, or Blame. Let me use this blog as a place for support and expression and a moment to get my feelings typed out. I know you will - because you always do - but listen with your heart open and allow me to be me, as you always have...

My baby boy who I love with my whole heart, is stubborn - to put it bluntly. He's got the iron will of a brick wall. He takes me to the mat everyday - testing me, stretching me, making me prove that I'm worthy of his respect. He is nine months old and can bring me to tears - his mother, who was also created incredibly headstrong. He doesn't blindly follow any instruction. Instead, he goes rigid - arching his back and crying when he doesn't get his way. The slightest correction results in tears and anger. The gentlest reprimand brings an onslaught of frustration and temper.

He's stubborn. He's strong willed. Two types of children: the compliant child and the strong willed child. One loves to please, and the other loves to challenge. I have a challenge. I had it all planned and plotted out and...let me check..yes, yes...I'm pretty sure I checked the "Compliant Child, Please" box...but guess what?

AB and I have been in research mode - learning mode - sponge mode. Soaking up all the knowledge we can to respond appropriately to our son's growing temperament. Learning to let things go, and choose our battles carefully. Learning how to correct and discipline and how to love him and guide him. How to diminish the strong will, but not the spirit. Never the spirit. It's what helped him to survive. It's what got him to me.

On his good days, he is a charming delight - full of laughter, easy going and fun natured. Easy to laugh and sweet to be around. But when he is feeling the, shall we say "opposite" way - and no one can predict it - he is so difficult to comfort. He will not have it. He will only have his way - and that generally entails crying jags that can last all day. Tantrums that rival some terrible two's I've witnessed. Rigid behavior that makes you want to weep.

Everyday I wake up and ask the Lord to help me be the best mom that I can be to Quint for that day. Just for that day. Because I never know what kind of day it will be. It changes all the time. One day a great day, and the next leaves me exhausted and spent and doubting myself.

I love him beyond measure and what I can express here does not do it justice. He is the light of our lives and AB can attest to being just as in love as I am. He is the best thing that happened to us, since...well, since us. But he is a challenge in ways we didn't expect. He doesn't fit in the box we had been fantasizing about on the other side of adoption. Into the false perfect family life we had envisioned.

Instead, my headstrong boy blazes his own trail for our family and shows us everyday that we cannot sit idle and watch him play with toys while we delight in the picture of our new perfectness. No. Instead, he challenges - no, demands, that we step up our game and come to each day ready to learn how to be the best parents we can be. Everyday. And he's worth every minute of it.

Some days I am so tired of fighting him and his stubborn will that I exasperatedly ask him "what do you want from me?!?" He looks at me with a longing so deep, that I am broken for him - moved with compassion for his many losses at such a young age and I'm challenged to meet him in his need. As if he's saying to us "prove to me that I should love you back".

Other days, he is so charming as he lays his head on my shoulder before bedtime - and I say "I love you so much". He pulls his head up and meets my gaze with a smile as if to say "me too..hang in there".

This is what they don't tell you on the other side. You don't even give it much thought - because how can you deal with something that is not your own reality? We deal with things as they arise. And maybe for some, it's lots of love and happiness and peace. Maybe for some it's hard work, and hard times, but lots of love and later some peace and then happiness.

For us it's one day at a time. And again, I say this to reach that one person that is either there also or will be. It's worth speaking out if just one person feels heard or understood or not alone. Or maybe after your own adoption is complete and you find that you too, have a strong willed child who takes you to the mat every day to see what you've got in you - then you can remember that you are not alone.

It's the underbelly of parenting. No one wants to admit they are having a hard time - or struggling. No one wants to readily say "me, over here! I'm crying because my nine month old is stubborn and strong willed!" Yeah, that's not exactly the most popular parenting posture you can take.

But I'm here to tell you - this parenting gig - there's just some stuff they don't cover in that "What to Expect..." book and this is sort of it: That not everyday is roses and sunshine and cute outfits and an adorable nursery. Not everyday is happy and fun-filled and laughter and giggles. Not every night is a sweet kiss goodnight and a lullaby. Sometimes - but not every day.

No, sometimes it's crying and tantrums (even at 9 months folks) and meltdowns in public, and more tears and arching the back, throwing the bowl of food, and refusing to nap, repeatedly touching something that's off limits, kicking, screaming, and even pinching and scratching. This from the little boy who clings to us relentlessly - clearly attached, but struggling to find his will being bent.

We have found that you can beat yourself up, but here's the reality: no two children are alike. And the fact of the matter is - it's not an indication of bad parenting (despite what society would have us believe) when a child is strong willed. It's part of who they are and part of who they will be. Take into account the many families with more than one child. They parent all the children to the same guidelines and standards, and yet some kids break away as stubborn and strong willed and a complete challenge to their parents - while another child might be the more compliant and tender child of the family. We are all born with traits and personality. It doesn't have to be a bad thing - but weeding through the hard parts are some of the toughest days in my short parenting book of experience. We are too quick to judge, I think, when we see a strong willed child in action. We blame the parents, and say "they must be doing this or that wrong" and justify our judgments by the behavior we see. The reality is - these children are extremely challenging, as we're learning - and it can take years to find solutions to the challenges that they bring to the table.

And when that perfect mold you've been building for years gets busted you have to pick up the pieces that are scattered around and through your broken vision, rebuild - one day at a time - using reality and your instincts to create the life you were always meant to have. Mind you, it's probably different than what you thought it would look like. But it's still the one you were meant for.

And don't feel bad if you cry. It's ok. I've been there. Not every day can be Pollyanna - and that's just life.

The good news and the redeeming truth of all of this - is that through it all, it's still the best and most incredible feeling in the world to be his mom. To love him and get to love him, and get to watch him grow up. It's just the most rewarding feeling in my life to know that we are in this together, the three of us. Trudging along and learning everyday from each other. Trusting and learning to love each other just as we are. Learning to be a family - all of us in our own way. He's such a blessing to me - and there's not an ounce of cliche in that statement. There's not a day that goes by that we don't hug and kiss all over him and tell him what a wonderful boy he is.

It's still the most miraculous thing I've ever done in my life.

I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

That should be enough encouragement for anyone.