I'm gonna make a confession. Another one of my "expert" mother (cough) admissions of sin. Before I had a child, I didn't think time would be much different. I really didn't. Time was...I don't know...my own. I could not imagine it any other way. Things come up - you deal with them...and then you continue on with what you were doing. In all ways, I assumed (ass...you...me) that having children would certainly impact my time in some ways - you have to feed them after all...but my friends...I have been foolish. My confession is that in this ever dwindling economy, the biggest pinch I am feeling is on my wrist...watch that is. Let me set the record straight on the mom club for babies. You moms in the toddler club or kiddie club can attest, and I'm sure there is a whole new set of rules when they're old enough to tell you why their crying - but for now, humor me and bless my little heart with your good nature and kind will - I am a poor man's amateur in the worst kind of way. Where was I...(rambling is a side affect of lack of time...you panic feeling you have only so much time with which to say things and you find you have diarrhea of the mouth - everything comes out...see, happening right now...) Record..straight...ah yes.
Wake up: 6ish - for the first time - see the monitor and check on the baby from said monitor. All is well. Back to sleep.
For ten minutes...baby is awake and vocalizing. Loudly.
Upsie daisy madam...feed the little eating machine...up you go - that's right. Into the closet..err, I mean kitchen. That's the way! No, stop gazing longingly at the coffee machine - maybe later after lunch. What? That's about the next time you'll be up for air. Now hurry - run along - baby waits for no man. Change that diaper (ewww, that's a doosie!) and land that bottle on that runway of a pouty lip before all the neighbors are awake to watch you do the mama shuffle. It ain't pretty...look away less you turn to salt!
Ok, bottle - check! Diaper - check! Play time? Nope. Not having it today? Cry....sniffle sniffle...cry....whine whine...cry.....sub sub. Ok. How about we sit together? Read a book? Play with blocks? Count to 10? ABC's? Yawn. Get thrown up in the air? Throw up on Mom? Oh. That wasn't fun. Clean that up. Still upset? Especially now? Sorry buddy...truly. Still learning. Ok, all clean. Good grief...already 9am? Ok - well, how about a nap? No, don't cry. It's ok - sleep is good...sleep is wonderful...sleep is...ZzzzZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
What? Huh? Yawn. Huh? Oh sorry! Right! Sleep is what Mommy just did - isn't it fun? No? Awww, sweet thing! Playing with Mommy's hair? OUCH! That's attached to my head you know? OUCH! Ok - let's pry those cute little chubby fingers loose. Whew. Ok, nightie night.
TWO HOURS! RUN...put this there, put that there...clean this up....wash that...dry this...fold this one....put that one away...mail this, send that, call her, check on that....whew. Ding! Time's up. What? Two hours already? I hear baby. Deep breathe and here we go again...Yawn. So tired for some reason....
Hi baby! How was your nap? Good? Wow - you're happy! Time for a bottle huh? Ok, let's go...wait let's change your diaper. Uh-oh, little accident. No problem, we'll just change that sheet while I set you here. Oh. This bumper is tied in 72 places on this crib. I can't seem to get the mattress out...if I could just slip it out, I could...GRUNT.....AHHH...nope. Not budging. Hmmm. Meanwhile, baby... Baby? Oh boy. There you are! You can't go in the kitty box. I forget how quick you are. No, you stay here with Mommy while I change this sheet. I can't believe it's 12 already. You know I...baby? Baby? Seriously...kitty will not appreciate or see the humor in it...
Sheet changed - check! Ok, so sit right here and play with these FUN FUN toys and I'll sit here and fold clothes. Oh, no - you can't get in the basket - son....SON....no. And that is not a toy. Uh-oh. Daddy's Batman Comics. That was not funny. I know you think it's funny, but Daddy likes his comics dry and in one piece. And Mommy's just opened that soda. Oh dear. Son. No. You can't....ok - well there went that whole stack of towels. Ok - just play in them - who cares.
Ok - let's watch...what is this? Seriously...Yo..gabba who? Wait, how do they get those guys so little when he's so big? (Head tilts sideways) What? Oh my - we just watched an hour of Nick Jr. How did that happen. You ok? Yeah? Happy even, I see. Well...what's that? Hungry again? Ok - let's eat. By "let's" I mean, you. You'll eat. I'll...smell your baby food because it smells good - but tastes terrible. That's fun. Oh, please stop swatting at the spoon and trying to gra.........b it. Nevermind. I'll just wipe that up when we're done. Nevermind. The dog got it. Good dog. Nasty though, ain't it? Poor dog. All done? Well, I'm taking from the rubbing of the eyes and ears that you're tired again. Nap time? Feeding - check! Clean up from feeding - semi-check! Diaper - check! Naptime - check!
Hour - maybe hour and a half! RUN...put this there, put that there...clean this up....wash that...dry this...fold this one....put that one away...mail this, send that, call her, check on that....whew. Ding! Time's up. What? Two hours already? I hear baby. Deep breathe and here we go again...
Hi baby! How was this nap? Good? Wow - you're excited! Time for another bottle huh? Ok, let's go...let's change your diaper. Uh-oh, little accident - AGAIN? Good grief. Diaper and clothes changed - check! Bottle - check!
Ok - let's play with this leap froggy thingy. Wow, that's loud. Does it have volume control? No? Jeesh - you could go deaf. Phone. Probably Daddy...let's not break it to him over the phone about those comics. Oh, dinner...well, we'll deal with that at 5 o'clock. Oh, it IS 5 o'clock. Crud. Ummm, we better feed baby dinner. Ok, enough of the trying to grab and swatting at the spoon and trying to toss your bowl of food.......... Nevermind. I'll just wipe that up when we're done.
Here, let Mommy just get a couple bites down. I'm starving over here. Oh, what's the matter buddy? Are you bored? Tired of sitting in the highchair? How about a banana puffie? Water? Or, a cracker? No? How about your sippy cup? Or you could toss it on the floor. Guess that's a definite no. NO Anabelle - leave that alone, puppy. It's a cup. You can't eat a cup. Son, how about cheese? Maybe it'll back up some of those "accidents" we keep finding. Hmmm.
Ok, forget it - I wasn't that hungry anyway. Let's get you a bath. Yaaay! Clothes off - check! Diaper off - Check! Oh! No - son! Don't do that...I just took it off...don't pee........nevermind. Just get it out of your system. Why not. Good grief. Well, at least you're taking a bath. I'll wash that rug later. Alright - splashy, splashy, splashy, fun, fun, fun. No - you can't eat soap. No. No. No. Seriously? Are you really that hungry? Ok, let's wash you. I know you hate this part. I know. Awww. Don't be mad. Ok - here we go - up and out. All better. All done. All wet...Mommy is - not baby. That's ok. I forgot to shower this morning anyway on my way to bottle number 1.
Bedtime for baby but first...let's just towel you off. And...SON! No! You just peed before the bath! What the.... omg. Seriously? Buddy! You're killing me with the random peeing. Ok, all done? I didn't even have a diaper out yet. Timing, buddy. Timing! Whatever. I'll wash that cover and towel later with the rug. (and Daddy's comics) Diaper on. Whew! OHHHHHH MY GOSH!!!! ARE YOU OK? What the....."DADDY!!!" He just threw up his entire dinner. omg. I don't know why? Oh lord. Well, let's take this diaper off - the tub still has his bath water....oh my gosh, he's even smiling. Bless his heart - poor guy. Ok, let's get back in the bath. It's all over you! Poor baby! Diaper off - Check!
Alright - splashy, splashy, splashy, fun, fun, fun. No - you can't eat soap. No. No. No. Seriously? Again with the soap bottle? Are you teething? Ok, let's wash you again. I know you hate this part. I know. Awww. Don't cry. It's just soap. Your favorite! Ok - here we go - up and out. All better. All done. All wet...again. Mommy is - not baby.
Deep breathe. Diaper on at lightening speed and now relax. Wait! Lotion...we need lotion. There...that's better. Like a nice little baby massage. Better? No? Awww...buddy so tired? Here, Mommy rock you and sing to you. You like that? Sweet baby. Down you go...I love you...see you in the morning...same time same place? Ok. Love you. We'll do it all again, eh?
Time! Time! Where for art thou time? Anyone got a suggestion for how to forgo sleep altogether? I could really use the six hours of sleep I'm using up for let's say...showering, eating, working (yes, I do that from home still), household chores, did I say showering? Anyone?