December 2, 2007

One foot in front of the other

My parents came and we had a wonderful time together. I'm putting one picture on here, because you can't really condense 10 days into a slide show that doesn't take all night to create. Needless to say, I was sad to see them go - and its hasn't even been a full week since they left. Boo.

AB made a wonderful meal for Thanksgiving (I expected nothing else), and yes, I made my pie. It was FABULOUS - I cannot lie! Pics below...

On to another subject - one foot in front of the other. Our Adoptions are kicking my ass. I'm sorry to spell it out for you all like that. But I cannot sugar coat the madness. I have missed all of you, truly. I have missed reading about your lives, your ups and your downs, and commenting on your day to days - like reading a good newspaper - my blogger pals are my coffee time in the morning.

To put it bluntly - we are beat down. With all the good intentions, the worse thing I can hear right now is "hang in there" or "it'll get better" or "before you know it, they'll be home". I know all this and I know it's well-intentioned. Really, I do. But right now - we are just beat down. We hit a major and unexpected hurdle in both adoptions last month and it's been an uphill battle to keep moving forward. I feel like we're fighting tooth and nail, and still no progress. A friend (V) recently told me "what is wrong with our society when children who desperately needs parents and would-be parents who desperately want children cannot find a way to each other without all this political and bureaucratic nonsense?" So, we're just feeling like this is one of the biggest trials of our life right now. To keep moving forward and to keep our chins up is keeping everything we have, every resource we've got, in constant motion. One misstep and we're a mess. One moment of lethargy or apathy, and we slide ten steps backward down the hill. Like hitting our 20 month LID the other day. Made us both feel utterly disappointed - nothing happy about it at all.

Have you ever been walking up a lot of steps, or climbing up a hill (or what feels like a hill) and you're winded? Lungs are burning, side is aching, and legs are a little wobbly? You stop to take a breath, but your so winded that you can't get a good one in? So you bend over and there comes the side ache? The cramp in between the ribs that give you a good burn? You're legs are a little shaky and you're thinking..."what the heck was I thinking? I'm not in good enough shape to be doing this. I'm freaking tired, my side hurts, my legs are wobbly, and I can't catch my breath! I feel so dang old!" We are so freaking tired of this and our legs are stinking wobbly. I feel like we are just sitting on the side of the steps, trying to catch our breath, trying to re-orient ourselves to the task, trying to find the will to get back up and keep going uphill, trying to re-motivate ourselves to reach the top - all the while trying to ignore the tremendous pain our legs, back, sides, and burning lungs are in. Sometimes you just have to sit down and say "I'm tired and I'm sitting down". This is not really a problem if one of you keeps moving and carries the other on their back. But what if you both arrive at this place at the same time and you find that all of sudden, you're both sitting out? You're both winded and tired - discouraged and worn out? You pretty much just sigh and look at each other and say "this sucks" and hope that sooner or later one of you will get back up and say "ok, come on, let's keep going...or we're never gonna get there".

Lately I have not had the heart for Bloggerville. I've tried. I've certainly got a lot done. I've read three books in one week, I've decorated the house for Christmas, entertained the family for a week, caught up on my work, had lunch with friends that I haven't seen in a while, and attended a Christmas party. But blogger. No. Haven't even read your posts and I feel terrible about it. I do. It has taken all I have to leave the two or three comments that I have left for some. But it's not like me to skip town, figuratively, for so long. Only, every time I attempt to sit down and tell you about my latest - it seems so dull and boring. So lame and uneventful. And even though, I know you aren't judging my content that harshly (I hope) it still seems like anything I would tell you would be so half-hearted.

Meanwhile, I've had some e-mails wondering where I've gone. Some sweet comments telling me I'm missed. Even some blatant "where the heck did you go" requests. So, I'm going to make an attempt to put one foot in front of the other. I'm going to try and get back in the blogger saddle and see if blogging my way through this tumultuous time will somehow help to steel my resolve. If this doesn't work, I'm pretty sure I'm out of ideas - since I've spent the last month trying to find ways to buck up.

Now that Christmas is here, I find I have never been so lonely for my children. It was all I could do to make myself decorate the house - and our attempt to have a real tree this year ended in a half-hearted "nahhh" from me, and a "we'll just stick to the fake (and spent, I might add) tree we have in the attic". Lame.

For those who actually visit my blog, and are not reading this through bloglines, I have tried to add some holiday flair, although I did not want to part with my header, pink and blue and all. We'll just have to make do with the mismatched colors...

I'm back - and I promise to limit my depressing posts to this one only. I think. (Ha!) Yikes.

Was anyone else glad that Helio won DWTS? I LOVE that little guy!!

And now for some berry pie!






14 comments :

Shelli said...

I'm so sorry to hear that you guys are having such a rough time. It makes it all that more difficult when you feel that you have absolutely no control. I'm not going to tell you to hang in there, blah, blah, blah. Just know that I hear you and am thinking of you.

BTW, I am impressed with you pie making skills. Looks delicious!

Isabella's Mommy & Daddy said...

Love the pictures...
Can you send me a pie...LOL..
Sorry to hear you are on the downside...
I know it is going to be hard.. I am only at 7 months and I have it set in my head ..I will wait at least 24... so I am trying to stay as positive as possible...
You WILL get your bundles of joy...
Hugs to you girly..
AND I am SOOOOO glad you are back...
Kim

Misty said...

I won't tell you to buck up or hang in there. I could think of lots of nice quippy or well meaning phrases that won't help at all. I will just say, welcome back. We've missed you!

Room for Grace said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Room for Grace said...

Oh, Christie. Thank you for sharing, I will be praying. I was just thinking about you guys early this morning, and just had a feeling I needed to pray for your encouragement. I thought back to a time in April of 2006 when I was in the exact same place you describe. I was ready to throw in the towel, as everything I thought was predictable about China adoption began to unravel. I wrote in my journal on 4/20/06 about a conversation I had with someone and how I could feel my heart "bucking up" as you say for the long haul. I still had many sad times after that, and it was hard, hard, hard. We only waited 16 mo.s, so I can't even imagine your heavy heart. Fast forward to the day we got the call about Piper Grace. I cried like a baby when I saw that her birthday was 4/18/06, at the height of my weariness.
I totally agree with your friend, V, and the injustice of it all is maddening, to put it mildly.
Love you guys!
Dena

Dawn and Dale said...

I love your honesty and openness in your post today Christie!! I can totally understand that "winded" feeling and the need to just 'sit' for a while to re-group and figure out what exactly we're doing!! It's not fun most days! Take as long as you need to sitting down!! AS you know...the line up isn't moving very quickly and no one is allowed to pass you!!! ;)

Blessings!!

Dawn

PS...that pie looks Mmmmmmmm....yummy!!!! :)

Doris & Dan said...

I think we need a sherpa to carry us the rest of the way. I totally agree with you. This sucks plain and simple. We and others can sugar coat it but take all that away....sucky centre!

You do what you have to and that is that. We are here and will continue to be here for you.

Keep smilin!

Stacey said...

There is nothing that I could write that would help ease the pain or make you feel better oh how I wish I could. Why I am writing is to say very simply... I hear you, I see you, and I am thinking of you and praying too for both of you here and the little ones waiting for you there.

Anonymous said...

Your pie looks "Scrumtrelessant"...and I don't even like pie. I am sorry you are down...drop me a line and I would love to try to cheer you up!

Jamie :)

Donna & Joe said...

Christie,

I'm sorry you guys are feeling so down right now. This wait sucks and it's even harder during the holidays.

Don't ever hesitate about posting when you're down. Believe me, we TOTALLY understand and are right there with you. Actually, sometimes it's nice to know that I'm not along in these kinds of feelings. You hit the nail right on the head in your description of these feelings in your post.

I also had a hard time decorating and putting our tree up for Christmas this year. I did the bare minimum and kept saying next year we'll do MUCH better. But, I remember saying that last year too! This really does just suck, doesn't it?

On another note, that berry pie looks amazing...would you consider posting the recipe?

Donna :)

Lili & Robin said...

I am sending lots of prayers that y'all get through that hurdle BS ASAP. The wait is hard enough w/o having speed bumps along the way. We Texas girls are STRONG, so I know you will find your strength! the fact that you are talking about it and Celebrating Christmas even though you are beat down proves that.

Yes! I love Helio! I am trying to channel his positive energy. so glad he won and not Mel-B (who was awesome, BTW) but isn't she a professional performer? It wouldn't seem fair. Poor marie. I cringed every time she got on the dance floor.

-Lili

JoAnn in NJ said...

Hey Christy,
Hugs to you, hitting roadblocks in adoption sucks!

Try to enjoy the holidays. When I felt like you do (and I hit a few big blocks myself) I volunteered to less fortunate people and felt a bit better.

All the best!

Kelley said...

I read this post yesterday and honestly, I could not find the "right" words and left without leaving a comment. This morning I was doing some Bible study and came to this passage in 2 Chronicles 15:7..."But as for you, be strong and do not give up, for your work will be rewarded." I think that I found the right words!
Love you,
K.

Andrea said...

Glad to see you back!!