January 9, 2008

A Hope Deferred Makes the Heart Sick

"A hope deferred makes the heart sick" Proverbs 13:12

I have been out blog reading today and have discovered many, many discouraged, battered, and hurting posts about this process on the tails of change to the CCAA website. For those that don't know, the CCAA has taken off the box on their webpage that generates information about where they are in the referral process. This small tidbit of information provides some semblance of hope and comfort to those of us waiting. And even though the agency I use for China does update us every month about the status of the referral process, I know there are several who do not. This means, another loss to the many waiting daily, even hourly sometimes, for any information that would bring our children closer to us. Information is power, and in a process that trickles information out only once a month - well, to have that gone is just another powerless feeling of loss and confusion.

I read many blogs, and there is always an ebb and flow to the posts. If new info pops up, it's very likely that many will post to reflect it. In the China adoption community - a loss like this spells out many thing for different people. For some, it's foreboding - a scary look into what's to come. For others, it's a loss. A loss of valued information in a predominately silent process. For others, it's just another disappointment - and a feeling of helplessness.

I must confess to many of you, that I'm ashamed to admit this change didn't really impact me. Whether it's because of the fact that I have an agency who readily communicates this information monthly, or because I already feel there is no end in sight, or because the adoption of my son has given me a genuine dose of hope and a much needed distraction from this dispassionate process. I don't really know why - but the pitfalls of this process have not affected me too terribly lately - although, as I've said before - it's one day at a time around here, and one day can change everything.

For many of my bloggy pals, today was that day. For that, I'm sad and hurting with them. There are not enough good days in this process and it's difficult to express how deflating these types of changes can feel. So rather than try to express it myself, I wanted to post a quote from one of my favorite blogs below. Most of us simply cannot fathom what this family has been through, and it's amazing to see the sheer faith that carries them through. She posted recently about hope - and I thought it was so well put and beautiful, that I had to share here. But please, don't take my word for it - go and drop by for a visit - you won't be disappointed by her beautiful writing and outlook on an imperfect life - she is inspiring!

"To endure every day not knowing, wanting, longing, is often so burdensome that I truly feel its effects physically. I can imagine many, many, share this bondage with me - a bondage that we could easily call "what if?" What if what I most long for is never fulfilled? What if I spend the rest of my life in this place? What if God forgets me? What if He doesn't desire to give me the desires of my heart? Perhaps the bondage is really about control, or discontent, or anger. Whatever it is, I must surrender every day and ask that God help me."


Robyn said...

Hey girlie girl,

Glad to see that your spirits are still high!!

Just think, in the next few months both of us will see our sweet baby's face!! Did you get the 171's yet?? Can't wait until you are DTE!!!!

Love ya!!!

BTW: got your card in the mail yesterday, so sweet THANK YOU!!!!

Unknown said...

everyone seems so sad today..I for some reason am still okay and we know we have a long wait ahead

Kim said...

I am not sad... I am on the long haul.. and will keep my spirits HIGH..
Hugs to you girly..
Stop by my blog and see me.. I have something for YOU..

Briana's Mom said...

I addressed "the box" on my blog too. I feel so bad - it is another blow to the China adoption community. I am so glad you are not feeling the hit so hard.

4D said...

Thank you.