January 17, 2008

Could I get a tracking number for my babies, please?

After the excitement of the arrival of our 171-H for Quint settled in, we made an about face to the overnight carrier of our choice and Sat. morning the documents were sent to Austin to be certified. Included was an overnight return pre-paid envelope for the return documents. In my thinking, I was so close to the finish line of the paperchase. I was so close to seeing Quint's paperwork on its way to Ethiopia. So close to having my son come home. The faster those documents made their way back to me, the sooner I would hold him. The sooner I held him, surely the sooner I would also hold my precious Keira too.

Ever since we saw that the envelope had been signed for on Monday morning in Austin, we have been checking the other tracking number. The one that tells us that it's on its way back to us. The one that says "your paperchase is almost through". And today, I got what I wanted. Only two short days after receipt, it's en route to me and will be delivered tomorrow morning. Our dossier will make it's way to our agency tomorrow via express carrier, and will hopefully make its way to Ethiopia by the end of next week.

There's something special about being able to track your progress. Something magical, almost, about knowing where you stand and where you are going, and when you're getting there. There's something peaceful and calming about seeing your progress and being able to log it - grasp it - watch it, and know the end result.

I think I can speak for many of us China adoptive moms when I say that the waiting has been as close to unbearable as we could have imagined it would be. Worse even. By going through this process again for Quint - of collecting the documents, getting them certified, etc., we have been given new milestones and new celebrations to look forward to. And it has eased the pain and bitterness of the wait for Keira. It has acted almost like a salve for our broken hearts. I think Quint will be a light for us in an otherwise dark and painful road. He will be our miracle baby in many ways - because we did not think we would have a son, and we did not think we would have been able to pursue another child before Keira.

Someone who knows us well, and loves us dearly said to me today "I am so excited to meet Quint and to hold him - he's like the breath of fresh air you've needed and he seems so much more real to us for you. Keira seems sort of, 'way off future', and Quint is the break in the silence that you've needed".

Part of me hears that in love. Part of me hears that in pain. Part of me says "yes! Bring my little man home!" The other part of me says "NO! Keira's not way off in the future...she's not!?! She can't be..." But the reality, my friends, is never more clear to me - that my darling daughter drags farther and farther into my future. And my little son seems so close I can almost smell his hair and feel his chubby legs and arms. Keira seems almost like a dream of the heart. Imagined. Loved beyond words, but conjured up and ever farther away.

My daughter who I have lovingly saved for, planned for, created a nursery and closet full of beautiful clothes for...my little love. She seems so far away to me. Where are you Keira? When will you come home? I don't have a tracking number - I can't follow your progress. I can't find you. I don't know where you are, or who you are, or who has given birth to you, or who will care for you until I can come for you. I don't know what else to do but wait and go through each day as if you were coming tomorrow. It's so hard to not know. It's so hard to miss you as if we had spent years together and then you were gone. It's so difficult to have to "move on" in so many ways and just wait for them to put your picture in front of me.

In the meantime, we are going to find your "little" brother and bring him home. We'll get him settled, and we'll get him ready for having a big sister to boss him around and love him.

Tonight my MIL said to me "we pray for Quint and Keira every day. We think of them all the time and can't wait to hold them and have them in our family. All in His time, dear. He knows..." I was so humbled - and thanked her. Then she said "when do you think Quint will come home?" I said - hopefully before Christmas when it's all said and done. She smiled and said "well then, bring it on!"

Indeed...my babies have oodles of loving, hugs, kisses, and spoiling to receive - I just wish I had a tracking number for when that will start for both of them.

I'm missing my babies...


5 comments :

Doris & Dan said...

I am missing my girl...and beginning to miss my marbles.

Dream of the heart...wow...that made me cry. You vocalized exactly what I have been feeling.

I wish I had the chance to do what you are doing. Know that you are blessed and so lucky to have this chance.

Keep smilin!

Isabella's Mommy & Daddy said...

Your little Quint will be home soon.. and Keira following after...Keep your chin up girly..
One day you will have them both and your family will be complete..
We are all with you on this long journey.. but a GREAT journey..
Hugs to you my friend..

Kayce said...

Tears....here.

Andrew & Stephanie said...

I am truly estatic for you two. I can't wait to see pictures of both of you little darlings....

... I am a little teary because you always seem to put into words what I am feeling. (I think Doris said that too) ... I'm missing my little one as well.... always.

Room for Grace said...

You are great with the words. I wish I had your blog to read while we were waiting!
I am still trying to put the whole process into words, heck, into coherent thoughts! I think part of what made our time in China so amazing was all the missing and heartache that led up to it. I don't know, but it is really unbelievable, the whole thing. I remember being in China, wishing everyone we loved could have experienced it with us, but then I think they would have had to experienced the missing beforehand for it to have it's full impact. There is just no other experience like this one. I CANNOT WAIT to see you hold both of your babies, CAN'T WAIT!!!!