August 31, 2006

Melancholy Loves Company?


I know what you're thinking...what's all this about? The usually upbeat and positive one - why so glum? Can't answer that today...maybe not tomorrow either. What I can tell you is that I'm melancholy. Almost ambivalent. Almost apathetic. Almost...

And tired...

Did you know, friend, that I have a closet full of clothes for her? Someone came over to my house today and wanted to look in that closet. And the door came open and there they all were in their beautiful colors hanging prettily in a row. Oohing and awwing ensued shortly after, but not by me. No, I've already done that. Ooh'd and aww'd. Sometimes when the house is quiet and I'm by myself I go in there, in that little pink and green striped room and I sit on the floor and look all around. And if I'm feeling particularly lonely, I might even take those dresses and sweaters and onesies out and look at them. And if I'm especially sad for her, I might even hold her little dolls or blankets...and think of her and wonder where she is or if she's born...and if her mother could only know that she has parents who love her already, and a beautiful room that's all her own, and beautiful dolls and dresses, and books...so many books...

But not today. I just stood there and watched her ooh and aww and I felt like I was in someone else's house and someone else's nursery and that these clothes were for someone else's daughter. Not mine, surely. Where are the signs? Where are the symptoms? I'm not pregnant -there is no kicking, no braxton-hicks, no midnight cravings. The paperchase has been over for months and months - there is no more checking and re-checking document orders and fed-ex'ing. The only contact I get is an e-mail here and there to tell us that the wait is longer, less information will be available, or no news will be available.

And yet, I signed up for it. Yes, I did. Almost fifteen months ago.

Melancholy is rotten. It's quiet and slow and tiring. It makes me forget why I put myself through all this. And it loves company - the company of apathy, sadness, and ambivalence.

Don't worry friend...it will get better. It always does...I mean, it does usually...

Doesn't it?

So, like I said, I know what you're thinking... why so blue? Can't answer that today...maybe not tomorrow either. What I can tell you is that I'm melancholy.

5 comments :

Kelley said...

It does...maybe not today or tomorrow or the next day, but it does.
Love,
K.

Shelli said...

I know... Somedays seems so much harder than others. I am here for you.

xoxoxo,
Shelli

Valerie said...

It's offical....you are adopting -you are in excellent company. !Those of us who were very efficient and finished our nurseries and filled the closets with lovely clothes and dolls and books....well we created our very own personal torture devices...nothing so depressing as an empty nursery. I can promise you this, it will get better, and there will be many more ups and downs until we finally achieve the ultimiate "UP" to taking off to China and then the greatest "DOWN" of landing and getting our girls". You are not alone and you are NORMAL (speaking from the adoption standpoint...you are a little off but I like that about you ;-)

Robyn said...

Been there, definitely felt that.....I remember last month when I posted about being "beat down" by this whole process you posted about keeping our heads high and knowing it will happen for us. So if you need a pick me up check out your own Aug 1 post.

Know that we are all in this together and are all here for each other!!

Erin said...

It really does get better. And it is SO worth it. And even I, who has remained so upbeat through all of this, have been so blue and sad this past week. It finally hit me - the wait, the not knowing, the wonder. I am here for you, my friend. Tell you what. Why don't you and Anton come over for dinner and play with Mollianne? Email me and let me know when you are available. Love ya, E