I’m not sure I get it. I’m not sure I get the motherhood thing to its fullest. Most days I’m incapable of slowing down long enough to check myself: am I doing this right, do they have what they need, are they getting enough of me? All that. And then when I do let myself go there – go to the questions, and take the time to answer them, I’m not particularly happy with the answers. Not at all.
The truth is, as far as I can tell, motherhood is a blur. The mothers who have grown children say “slow down and enjoy every single minute because they will be gone before you can blink”. The mothers living in the trenches are shoveling mud and can be heard hollering things like “CLEAR” and “INCOMING”. They’re exhausted. They’re spent. They’re immersed in the moment. Slowing down does not seem a viable option. In fact, everything in you is screaming “hurry…next stage, please!”
I live in between the two. Wanting to savor it, but longing for parts of it to be over. Is it ok to say that? Probably not. But I don’t care. I gave up apologizing for my parental apathy a long time ago.
This is for you. You, who share my rock and my hard place.
What is the point? The point is, try though I might – nothing – NOTHING – nothing stays clean in my house for even 2 hours. The point is that the nature of my accounting job means that my work is never caught up. There is always an influx of work coming in. The point is, my obligations in life and serving in my church, and reaching out to friends and on and on…there is no end in sight. What is the point in killing yourself over it? Maybe that’s the reason we can’t slow down. We’re trying to do all this other stuff and maybe we should just be playing Hi-Ho-Cheerio.
I miss a clean house. I truly do. But as far as I can tell…there is a HUGE population of “been there done that” moms who are saying “forget that”. Walk away. Just walk away. You will get 18 years to be Mom in different capacities and then you will have the rest of your life to have a clean house. 18 years to influence, love on, support, raise up, play with, connect to, and bless your children with YOU.
I guess I’m just saying, wouldn’t it be nice to set aside time everyday to just be Mom instead of organized/do it all/cooking/working/laundry/clean house/sports Mom.
Read books for a half hour. Play games. Get on the floor and play with all those Little People sets. Build a fort. Have a picnic. Whatever. Just have fun.
I think that’s my biggest struggle. I know how to live in the trenches…digging, digging, digging.
But do I know how to just be still?
Do I know how to just reach out to my kids right where they are and enjoy who they are right now?
Starting now then? You and me?