May 9, 2012

The Point is…

I’m not sure I get it.  I’m not sure I get the motherhood thing to its fullest.  Most days I’m incapable of slowing down long enough to check myself: am I doing this right, do they have what they need, are they getting enough of me?  All that.  And then when I do let myself go there – go to the questions, and take the time to answer them, I’m not particularly happy with the answers.  Not at all.

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The truth is, as far as I can tell, motherhood is a blur.  The mothers who have grown children say “slow down and enjoy every single minute because they will be gone before you can blink”.  The mothers living in the trenches are shoveling mud and can be heard hollering things like “CLEAR” and “INCOMING”.  They’re exhausted.  They’re spent.  They’re immersed in the moment.  Slowing down does not seem a viable option.  In fact, everything in you is screaming “hurry…next stage, please!” 

I live in between the two.  Wanting to savor it, but longing for parts of it to be over.  Is it ok to say that?  Probably not.  But I don’t care.  I gave up apologizing for my parental apathy a long time ago. 

This is for you.  You, who share my rock and my hard place.

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What is the point?  The point is, try though I might – nothing – NOTHING – nothing stays clean in my house for even 2 hours.  The point is that the nature of my accounting job means that my work is never caught up.  There is always an influx of work coming in.  The point is, my obligations in life and serving in my church, and reaching out to friends and on and on…there is no end in sight.  What is the point in killing yourself over it?  Maybe that’s the reason we can’t slow down.  We’re trying to do all this other stuff and maybe we should just be playing Hi-Ho-Cheerio. 

I miss a clean house.  I truly do.  But as far as I can tell…there is a HUGE population of “been there done that” moms who are saying “forget that”.  Walk away.  Just walk away.  You will get 18 years to be Mom in different capacities and then you will have the rest of your life to have a clean house. 18 years to influence, love on, support, raise up, play with, connect to, and bless your children with YOU. 

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I guess I’m just saying, wouldn’t it be nice to set aside time everyday to just be Mom instead of organized/do it all/cooking/working/laundry/clean house/sports Mom. 

Read books for a half hour.  Play games.  Get on the floor and play with all those Little People sets.  Build a fort.  Have a picnic.  Whatever.  Just have fun.

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I think that’s my biggest struggle.  I know how to live in the trenches…digging, digging, digging. 

But do I know how to just be still? 

Do I know how to just reach out to my kids right where they are and enjoy who they are right now?

Starting now then?  You and me?

5 comments :

The Gang's Momma! said...

It's a delicate balance for me, and always has been... I have one heading off to adult ventures all too soon and one waiting still to come home. And the span in between is the tightrope I walk. I had a wise BTDT mom say to me once that the key in the balance is remembering that it is ALL to serve Him ultimately, and that He is AS glorified with my tidy, organized home as He is with my snuggling on the couch or playing Go Fish. That He counts those equally as my acts of worship in keeping my home. As valuable and sacrificial as He does my "being" with my kids. Cuz HE knows how hard both are for me to achieve, let alone achieve in one day.

Niki said...

Christie, I'm a "digging in the trenches" kind of mom too. I struggle with experiencing my kids for who God made them because that isn't something I included on my to-do list for the day. That sounds ridiculous, I know. But, I get it. I get you. And I also get what the gal above said about it all being an act of worship. The Lord knows the intentions of our hearts. He knows we long to be the mother He designed us to be. So thankful His mercies and grace and forgiveness are new everyday.

Niki said...

CB,

I get you and I get this. I am a "digging in the trenches" kind of mom too. I struggle with really experiencing my kids because I didn't include that on my to-do list for the day. Isn't that ridiculous? While digging through the chaos and busy I have to remember they are a blessing not a hindrance. Should I have written that? I'm thankful His mercies, grace, and forgiveness are new every day.

John & Michelle said...

So thankful I read this one!!! I am EXHAUSTED everyday! Piper is constant motion at 28 months and my house used to be OCD clean, now not so much! She is a gift to my heart and when the mess tries to overwhelm me I grab a coke and take her outside for bubbles and chalk time! It'll be a different mess tomorrow so who cares! I'm seriosly thinking what can we give up to afford a cleaning lady? ha!

Jen said...

I have four kids and work parttime and I've tried my hardest to get over the fact that I will not have a clean house for years to come. I often daydream about the early days with one child and the neat and tidy house. I used to play with my kids, puzzles, board games, blocks, etc, now there is not a moment to breathe, it is exhausting, but call me crazy, I would do it all over again and again, why, because I can't imagine doing it any other way.
Thanks for your honest posts!

Jen