Changing Channels

Have you seen Castaway with T. Hanks? He's stranded on a desert island for four years. He's got a pocket watch with a picture of his fiance and a small flashlight. At night, he sits in the dark facing the open pocket watch and turns the flashlight on and off...on and off. Just so he can see her face. So he can be reminded of her.

We have a baby video monitor with cameras over both Quint and Keira's cribs. I keep it on and by my bed every night, so that I can check on Quint if he cries. Since he rarely ever wakes up, I mostly just find myself watching the monitor to see him sleeping peacefully, or admiring him, thinking of our day together, and reminding myself how lucky we are to know him and to love him.

This week, while laying in bed doing that very thing...my hand reached over and switched the channel to Keira's room. I don't know why. There was her crib reflected in the monitor, lit up by the small nightlight in her room. There was her blanket, her tiny pillow, her bear. But no Keira to watch sleeping peacefully like big-brother. I switched the monitor to A/B - where the channels switch between the two cameras every 7 seconds. Quint, sleeping and beautiful. Keira's empty crib. Quint...breathing steadily, shuffling around a little bit. Keira's lonely blankie and bear in the quiet of the room. Quint, warm and cozy in his footie pj's. Keira's bed - empty. I just stared at the screen, unable to look away. Lying there on my pillow watching the screen switch back and forth and wishing that I could see both of my babies in their beds.

I don't know why, but it hurt my heart to see her bed. I guess I get through most of my days by putting all my energy and focus into Quint and the here and now. And I think that's the right thing to do - because it's useless to worry and fret over something I have no control over whatsoever.

But for this night, it hurt. And I suppose for a change, I just wanted to allow it to hurt. I wanted to see her crib and remind myself that she's not there now, but will be. I've had to put my feelings for Keira on such a high and dusty shelf just to get four years down the line from where we started - that I sometimes forget that her room is actually that...her room.

When we decided to adopt from Africa, I felt like I was betraying Keira somehow. Of course, instead, I was actually giving her a lifelong sibling and someone by her side who could truly understand where she was coming from. But at the time, my feelings were so raw from wanting her home, that I couldn't get past my guilt. Somehow, the healing that took place when I held Quint for the first time - well, it really put a salve on my tired heart. I guess ever since then, I've just been busying myself with the ins and outs of my fast paced days with a toddler. Falling in love with a little boy I never thought I'd have. All part of God's plan for our family...

But in the back of my mind, or rather my heart - there she is. Waiting and waiting, just as before to come home and be real to me. Not just a closet of beautiful clothes, or an empty crib...but to be my little daughter who I've waited and wanted for so long now. There she is, on the monitor...on the B channel. Waiting for her momma to look out for her, even in the wee hours of the morning. To see her sleeping and make sure she's snuggly and peaceful, just like brother.

Knowing that Keira Joy is born and in China even as I type this...knowing that she's breathing and eating and sleeping...but not in her bed where mommy can watch her and know she's safe from any harm...

It just hurts sometimes.


Soon enough it will all be a memory...

On the Menu - Day 20sumthin - 4 days left

For Tuesday ~

Breakfast - Cereal. Schmereal.

Lunch - A weird combo of pb& j and cheese, crackers, salad, turkey...don't ask. It was a free for all - grab whatever, we're in a rush, kind of day.

Dinner - Homemade Mac n Cheese, homemade creamed corn, and Anton's amazing pork chops. This meal was off the hook!

Three days gone, running out of numbers

First - I'm running out of graphic numbers for these posts. I could go look em' up, but frankly I'm tired and cranky and don't feel like it. I'm still sick and AB is working late hours almost every night this week. Which means, in the middle of a busy work season, and a sick season, I'm single-mom'n it. People - I have limits. Numbers for the post are hardly rating. Did I mention my dog threw up three times today? Good times. Oh yeah. Good times.

Second, there has not been nearly enough attention in the past three weeks given to the love of my life (ok, one of two). So let's just put it down for the record that the little boy in that picture right there, is in fact, the best boy ever - and ornery though he may be - he is the light of our life. That, and I love this picture of him. People, he's such a good boy. We love him to royal pieces. Couldn't imagine our life without him. Whew. That felt better.

Actually, I've been stewing on some good topics, so I'll be glad when this challenge is over just so I can get back to some juicy junk.

Let's talk about menus for the past three days - get that out of the way, so I can share a little bit of Valentines creativity with you.

Since we've been living la vida sicko over here - I'm going back three days ~

Saturday:
Breakfast - Green Tabasco Pork Chops and Fried Eggs. (You see, AB is home on the weekend...so err...I don't eat cereal...) You didn't think I got to be this LARGE by eating whole grain high energy breakfast bars, did you? Heavens, no! It takes concentration of the high calorie and red alert fat gram variety to look this good. Shoot.

Lunch - Well, let's chat. We were at the grocery store getting some groceries. Cuz, uh...that's what you do there. But at our grocery store, they sell ready to eat items too. And they...uh...have a little section of tables and chairs. And well uh...alrightweatesomepizza. There. But it was at the grocery store. Does that count? Sheesh.



Dinner - Grilled Sirloin Steak and fries. See pic above and kindly note that the steak pictured is for all three of us. Now let's chat again. First of all - AB makes the best steak this side of the River Jordon, on sale today, come on down. (If you don't get that reference like AB did not get that reference when I said it at the dinner table over said meal - then watch the opening scene to Aladdin, and you will) Second, steak and fries is to us as spaghetti is to most other families. We eat it weekly and sometimes more. Don't bother lecturing us on the condition of our arteries - it falls on deaf, if not somewhat "clotted" (heh) ears. Oh yeah. We're going out Red Meat Style, peeps. Bottoms up. (not literally...we prefer fillet)


Sunday:
Breakfast - Nuttin. Too early and we had to get to church
Lunch - Grilled Cheese. Mmmmm.
Dinner - Mexican Casserole. Just so good...sooooo cheesy cheesy yummy good. Straight past the lips and as I type this...already on my hips. To stay. For good. See what I mean...(below)


Monday:
Breakfast - Cereal
Lunch - Mexican Casserole leftovers. See above for same description.
Dinner - Penne Pasta w. Marinara and Garlic Bread

So we're still on track, and can say with great conviction that we have not broken our commitment to not eat out (on our own dime) for 30 days. And here we are on the last five of them. Feels pretty good to know it's almost over. But it also feels strange to know that all bets are off come Sunday. We both have had some really interesting thoughts this month about how this challenge has given us new perspective, perhaps even helped us to see where we were screwing up over and over. The scary thing is that we can both see how living more and more this way would benefit us not just for now, but so much further down the line. Especially in this economy. No worries - I won't be turning this blog into a permanent 365 day challenge. (thankyoulordinheaven) But I think I'll certainly have some insight to share come next week. Standby for the epiphanies we have experienced. (snort)

Meanwhile, let's talk about Valentines. Love it. (no pun intended) Before 30-days, I picked up a couple things to help celebrate the season of L.O.V.E. and I'm enjoying having them around now that we're livin' frugal. Take a peak:

Little bit o' love in the kitchen. Cute wood cutout was $1 at T@rget. We have some cute pink heart towels hanging from the oven as well.

I got these little vases from the $1 section at T@rget as well. The ribbon was also from that section and is Valentines themed.

These two pictures highlight a little mailbox I got in the same dollar section. The mailbox was plain red, so I added a Valentines Scrapbook embellishment to the cover. It has a little "flag" on the side and you can see I've got a tiny Valentine inside for AB. Note cards were also from the $1 section. (good deals, I'm telling ya) Everyday this week, AB gets a mini-note of mushy-ness from Quint and Mommy. And he does the same. Hint. Hint. AB. I know you're reading this.
Point being: inexpensive ways to make Valentine's special. What is your Valentine's tradition? Do tell...I love ideas!

Last year, AB and I received a gift card that we've been sitting on (so to speak) to a nice local restaurant. It's for $100. So, we're going to use it on Valentines Day - in keeping with the challenge and at the same time, treating ourselves to a night out. We were able to arrange a baby-sitter and have a nice gift card to our local movie theater. We haven't been on a date in four months. Need I say, we're excited? Of course, we'll probably be more interested in people watching through our meal, and will be dozing off during the previews at the movie, but silence and the comfort of it with someone you love, who knows everything there ever was to know about you? = priceless, people. Priceless.

Happy Birthday to my Sis, Julie today and to my neice Jenae on Friday! Love you both!

Is it just me?

Or is it going around?

No post this weekend because I'm:





again.

for the 100th time.

and i know what you're thinking.

and i'm thinking it too.

(sick all the time)

i hate this.

30-days is still going strong - menus maybe tomorrow and an update, but no cheating has taken place.

sniff.

cough.

slurp.

sniffle.

achoo.

ugh.