LID-aversaries...gone but not forgotten

As those who have followed my blog for the last two + years know - and for those curious few who have actually read back through my history (bless your heart) - we have been waiting for our daughter Keira Joy for well over two years. At last count, I believe our LID-aversary was at 27 months or 2 years and 3 months. I guess if you count the paperchase process for her, you can add another 9 months to that, which would bump us up around three years.

Used to be that we celebrated every month down as "another one bites the dust". What started as a nine month wait at the beginning quickly became ten and then 12 and 16 and 20 - and you know the rest. Somewhere along the line of blogging and even talking within our own home, we stopped counting. Not when we started the process to adopt Quint - but well before that.

It's not that we gave up - it's that we got tired and depressed about it. We foolishly set up a nursery for Keira when our dossier went to China. LID is 3-29-06, for those who weren't sure. We officially surrendered an entire room in our small 3-bedroom home for her - and willingly. So for over two years, that room has sat as a daily reminder, not of what's coming - but instead of what's missing. A constant jab in the heart, if you will, of someone that we planned for who didn't come home when we thought she would. Day after day, and month after month - we added things and changed this or that - hoping that our efforts at holding out hope weren't in vain. That room is now an emotional space that neither of us have the heart to even entertain changing in any way. It can't be touched, essentially - because that is too reminiscent of defeat or abandonment of her before she even gets to see it. No, it stays as it is and it will until she is home to see it for herself.

Long ago, I came across an LID "prediction" site that I would visit off and on. A friend linked to it in a post, and I think it was curiosity that drove me to it. You enter your LID and they give you a formulated prediction of when you'll receive your referral. I entered mine today and it calculated a possible referral on or around 5-31-2009. I was kind of OK ( as ok as you can be) with that - because I think that's the date that I had set in my heart as the most likely possibility, based on the recent trends and numbers.

This is what they had to say about people who are starting their adoption journey with China:

"The people receiving referrals now have waited about two and a half years. Their total time to adopt a child from China was about three years, although they were told at the time that it would be less than one year. If you are just putting in your dossier right now, we expect you will wait at least six years from the time your dossier is logged-in for a referral. This will make your total time to adopt from China, from initial decision to adopt until receiving a child, more than seven years. It is our strong recommendation that you avoid adopting from China if at all possible, as we believe that if you are pursuing adoption, it is probably because you are interested in having a child in less than seven years."

Is that surreal for you to read? It was for me. And I'm in the middle of it...never thought it could happen and here we are.

I can't deny that adopting Quint and bringing him into our family has given me a peace and a sense of purpose that I was longing for. Having him here has drowned out the cry of my heart and given me a soft perspective in my waiting for Keira. Though she was the first child of my heart, she will now be my second and presumably youngest child. This was a hard concept to get a hold of at first - until it took on shape inside and I relaxed into it.

Having Quint to love and hold and snuggle has given me comfort and blessings of which I cannot express adequately here. But selfishly, it does not fully quench my hearts desire to also hold and love and know my little Keira Joy.

I want to confess here that as I have continued to watch my blog buddies - with whom I have shared almost my entire adoption journey - struggle as they wait and the months drag out, I am ever burdened for them. I sometimes feel guilty because I have such a sweet respite in my little son - a delight and a reason to get up in the morning that I never imagined could be so wonderful. (tiring and exhausting, yes - but wonderful nonetheless) Even though I long for Keira to come home - I have comfort in my soul, because Quint has taken so much of my hurt away. So I feel ashamed to say that I am sad and missing her. Or selfish to admit that I am tired of waiting for her. I feel this way, because so many of my friend are waiting still.

Over a year ago, when we decided to pursue a second adoption - some thought we were nuts to tamper with our Chinese adoption in this way. We got many stern warnings from well-meaning people who told us that we were quite possibly throwing away our entire wait for Keira. Since I am a firm believer in God's perfect timing - I look back now and can't imagine not doing what we did. Consider that our agency requests that if you have given birth or adopted a child while waiting, that you allow 12 months in the home prior to bringing your new child home from China. If our referral prediction holds, Quint will have been home 12 months and 2 days. Can't time it any better than that! God, of course knew this full well and led us down the road we were meant to travel. Had we not been listening or obedient, we could have missed such an amazing boy and incomparable blessing. That thought makes me shudder!

So we aren't celebrating (can you call it that?) LID's or posting often about Keira - but mostly, it's out of honest sensitivity to those who have walked this road with us and are still waiting on their sweethearts to come home. We're still waiting on our sweetheart too - her name is on the wall, her clothes are hanging up in her closet, her blankets are folded gently in her dresser, and her dolls and stuffed animals are waiting for her in her sweet little crib. She has Christmas ornaments with her name, and a big brother waiting to play with her.

Not forgotten...

Never forgotten or far from our minds

Just waiting and hoping

4th of July Fun

Well, actually...5th of July - but it was the 4th in spirit...or, err..something.

ANYWAY - we had a quiet 4th at home because we knew we would be partying "Country" style on the 5th with our good friends Robyn & Paul and all but one of our sista posse. (Missed you K-girl!).

We had a blast! Still talking about the amazing fireworks...felt like we were at Disneyland (no lie!) Quint was a doll, as usual - but a little clingy, which we're noticing is his new "public" routine. Cling, cling. It's ok - we don't mind holding and/or clinging back. He's so cute, I could eat him up!

The food was awesome, the drinks were cold, and the view from where we sat was just beautiful (props to Mama Martha and Daddy Wayne for one heck of a landscaping job all the way out there in countryville.


Here's some pics - hope your weekend was fun and relaxing and that you ate way too much, like me.

Q-man playing with his friend A - she is such a sweetie pie

Do you get the feeling that we're the beginning of a united nations posse with all our beautiful multi-cultural kiddies?? LOVE IT! This isn't even everyone. We're missing FOUR little ones...can you believe that!

Nuttin' but a G-thang baby...

Baby, On Aisle 5!!

Being a blended family, we're quickly learning, means that everyday trips out and about take on a whole new element. The element of surprise... Apparently, seeing two extremely white people with a gorgeous African baby causes heads to turn. Who knew!? But if you get within range, a whole other phenom takes places. The stop. Case in point:

We went to Sam's to get some formula and other essentials. As we placed baby boy in the cart and made it through the entry, we got some smiles, some stares...nothing unusual. We've gotten used to that.

But as we delved further into the world of warehouse shopping, and I'm talking a whole ten feet, we got stopped by a woman.

"Don't I know you? Oh my gosh! Who is this precious boy? Well hello, handsome! Who are you? Yes! Yes! Who are you?!? (insert silly baby talk here)" Turns out she recognized me from singing at church, but because the church is about 3000 people I didn't know her. So that's ok. It was nice of her to stop and introduce herself. Hi, Joy! She wanted to know who he was, how we adopted him, etc. Very nice gal.

But while we were talking to her, another couple approached and asked "can we ask, have you adopted?" We were blocking traffic with all three carts and all of us standing around gawking at the boy. We shuffled aside and out of the way and catapulted into a whole conversation about agencies, (bye, Joy...nice to meet you...as she strolled away waving to Q) travel, age limits, and the dreaded topic - cost. Turns out they are very interested but didn't quite know where to start. We exchanged information (because they were very nice) and found out they were missionaries to South Africa. At one point she laughed and said "this sounds terrible, but where can we get one!" I actually laughed (surprised myself) and said "oh, over there on Aisle 5". Before parting, she made sure to touch Q and tell me how amazing he was. I know...trust me...I know.

Twenty minutes went by in normal shopping conversation. Need this? Nah. How about this? Yes. And suddenly, I realized there was a woman hovering around the cart. "hi"...I'm looking at her...but she's not looking at me. Oh. She's looking at him. I finally say "hi" again...and she looks up. "He's beautiful...oh my...what a baby...what an amazing smile and face and....oh my. He's an angel." But she's still looking from him to me and wondering how it breaks down. Then AB walks up with spatulas and the plot thickens. From AB back to me her eyes are darting and questions are running through her mind. Come on lady, it's not rocket science. Shows you how much adoption is off the radar in the minds of many.

We pushed on and finally made it to checkout. This is where it got flat out funny. The lady behind us in line had two kids. I was unloading the cart and she was flirting with Q. "Hi" I said. She said "don't I know you?" I laughed. "Dont you got to xx Church?", she said. Ok, why not. "Yep!". "I saw you sing on Sunday...I knew that I knew you!" "Thanks!" After a round of introductions, the questions begin. "Wow, he's gorgeous. Is he adopted?" Well...the smart alec in me sometimes wants to rear her ugly head, but of course - I would never. So we talk again with a stranger about our journey in briefest format.

The lady behind her in line was listening in and walked around her own cart and new friend from church's to come and see him. She made goo-goo eyes at him, and he did it back and it was love...for her. She wanted to take him home. Apparently her grandchildren are grown - and she misses the babies. Good grief! She got weepy and church friend told me she had goosebumps when I told her we had only been home from Africa for a handful of weeks. Ok, well nice to see/meet you - time to go feed baby. Have a nice weekend!

As we pulled over into the cafe area to feed Q-man and get one of those artery clogging hot dogs and drink for a measly $1.50, we had a hard time. Not because he wasn't eating, or because we didn't want to ourselves. But because no less than three people made a point to stop whatever they were doing, come over to where we were, and say something in the ballpark of "OMG, I just had to come over and say what a beautiful boy he is! What a doll! Goodness...he's so freaking cute!" We just smiled politely and agreed wholeheartedly, and eventually made it through two thirds of the dogs before they were too cold to finish. Baby was loving it! Attention, attention, attention.

We did finally make it out the door....exhausted. All for some formula and spatulas. We're gonna need a better strategy. A shorter epic that will keep us moving while we talk. And perhaps a paper bag with eye holes cut out for baby Q. Yikes!

On a more serious note - we did not want to go to Sam's. We ventured out of the house against our own will, drug ourselves out and truly did not want to be there. Necessity drove us. We were kind of in lousy moods. But quite frankly, we both felt better after meeting so many nice people, and on top of that - we felt like maybe our visit there was fortuitous for the couple that has been wanting to adopt so badly and didn't know a good agency from a bad one. Now they have the information they need to start and maybe another child just got a family? That should give everyone goosebumps. As hard as it can be to be the center of curiosity and questions when we leave the house, there are some monumentally good things that can come out of it. I've got to try and remember that when I'm feeling like a moving exhibit walking around with my little man.

Speaking of the little stinker...hows-about some updates on his cute little self?

We're slowly but surely perfecting the art of sitting up around here. I still try to put big soft pillows around so that when he goes down (and he does) he doesn't crack his head. He loves to play sitting up - who knew? He's such a funny little guy and his personality is just blossoming. He's so COY! I love his facial expressions.

This one below kills me! Are you hiding behind that little book, my little boy? Ha! Only one eye to peek and see if Mommy is still looking at you? My oh my, what great motor skills you have to be so coordinated at 7 months! (That's my bragging that I'm entitled to...tee hee)

Very first Banana - below. He LOVED it. He could not get enough. Finally...venturing to some real food.

And then out of the blue...Daddy handed him a homemade pancake on another day, and he went nuts! He ate and ate and ate. (and made a MESS of the floor. Good thing we have two "quicker picker uppers")


Speaking of one of my "quicker picker uppers" - hope you've been having fun this 3-day weekend - I've been sleeping whenever possible - in the middle of laundry, etc. AB snapped this pic of me and my sweetie, Anabelle taking a little siesta while the bedding was being washed.


Happy 4th of July! We stayed home and had a quiet 4th, but only because we're heading to the country today to PAR-TAAAY like it's 1999 with sistas #4, #3, and #2 (check the sidebar for reference). It's gonna be so much fun! Quinty's first 4th of July swim, BBQ, fireworks party! Yee haw!


P.S. Blog makeover is still coming - I just had to put a hold on it, while we wait for some pictures. But it's gonna be soooo darn cute!

Advice from the Other Side

I’m reprising my recent “epic” tale about our journey to Ethiopia and to our son because I have received several requests for advice. Some of you have specifically asked me to elaborate on advice for upcoming travel and some of your questions were very specific. So this post is for you – and remember, I’m telling it like it is. No one has to like or dislike my opinions – they just are what they are…mine.

Where to Stay:

Your options in Addis that I’m aware of are the Sheraton and Hilton Hotels. We had the option, as you know, with our agency to stay at the guesthouse. The pros and cons of the guesthouse were that we had a house staff that saw to our room and needs. We were fed three meals a day, unlimited bottled water, and were given free reign of the property – which was quite lovely, considering. There was a lovely picnic area and, as I’ve said, animals that the children seemed to love. Cons being all the things I covered in my four part diatribe.

We visited the Hilton almost daily so that we could use their business office to send e-mails, etc. The hotel itself was quite worn. It was older and had outdated furniture, etc. But it was nice, and had a pool, etc. We did not visit the Sheraton, but we were told on more than one occasion that it feels like you’re not even in Addis. It’s very modern and a classy place. The downside is that it’s rumored to be very pricey $$$. The Hilton price was roughly $400 a night – I can’t imagine what the Sheraton was, if that’s the case.

Sidenote: The power goes out frequently in the city. This was not a guesthouse issue – and the guesthouse had a back up generator that worked on occasion. Sigh. But the power outages impacted the entire city – not just us.

Medication to Bring:

Thanks to my dear friend Robyn, who had recently been to China to adopt her daughter, we had a “medical kit”. It was a Rubbermaid tote that had many, many items in it. From throat lozenges (thank God!) to Band-Aids, to Tylenol and Motrin for the baby. We had all kinds of things.

Here are some items we used:

• Infant Tylenol / Infant Motrin
• Mylecon (for infant gas)
• Teething Tablets
• Rash Cream
• Insect Bite Ointment
• Cough drops
• Throat Lozenges
• and a TON of other little items…

Items I wish we had with us and didn’t:

• Soft Kleenex – my aching nose…
• DAYQUIL – lord, that would have helped
• NyQuil – can’t even begin to say how much this would have helped
• SOME KIND OF PRESCRIPTION ANTIBIOTIC for us and for the baby. This was what we needed the most and desperately needed. It was devastating to watch Quint suffer, when a good dose of antibiotics (not the archaic prescription we were given by the orphanage) would have helped tremendously.

Comfort Issues:

Right, so let’s talk about comfort. You need a flyswatter. Flies are everywhere and we could not find a flyswatter to save our lives. I also wish I had brought an egg crate to put on the mattress. It was hard as a rock. I’m not convinced the hotels would have had any better. It seems to be a cultural thing. Maybe at the Sheraton you might get a better night’s sleep but that’s a maybe – why risk it?

Better medication as listed above. For SURE.

We brought snacks to the tune of chocolate bars, (oh yes, I did) granola bars, crackers, and beef jerkey. I’m so glad we did too. I packed them on the flight from our hometown to Washington DC. Then I pulled them out of the luggage and put them in the carry on for the rest of the trip. We were never asked to throw them away at any airport. We used all of them throughout the trip. Total lifesaver. You need to know there are not places you can just stop and “eat” or “grab a coffee”. And you have to remember the warnings about consuming street products. Snacks help. One night after being there several days, I busted out a KitKat and it was like home had traveled 8000 miles to see me. Seems silly now, but it was so wonderful to taste chocolate in that moment.

If you have room – pack laundry soap. Even if you find another alternative when there, it might help with accidents, etc. I could have really used some Tide. Who knew spit up stains terribly? Our clothes and his… We did find a solution in the mini-grocery store we visited, but it was not the same as having some good old Tide.

We brought a digital camera and digital video camera. I’m glad we did both. It was worth it. Digital video camera’s don’t tend to take good pictures – they’re grainy. Go with both if possible. You’ll want lots of pictures and video. We’ve already watched the video and are so glad we have it. On the other hand, our pictures were priceless in capturing our journey. Both – you need both.

I took a laptop because I blogged our journey from Ethiopia and so many friends and family were anxious to see Quint, and hear from us. I’m not sorry I did – and it was fun to watch a movie on the laptop at the guesthouse. I also spent time playing games that I had loaded on my laptop – which was fun. The only problem with all of this was (1) we kept losing electricity everyday – so it didn’t do me much good and (2) even when we went to the Hilton, there was a few days where they had no internet connection – so it was a trip over for nothing. Sigh.

We packed light on the clothes and I guess I would do the same – but it got pretty obnoxious wearing the same things over and over with no easy solution for cleaning the clothes. Still, when it came time to travel, we were grateful. On the whole though (AB will disagree) I would have packed more, since we had a “two bags per person” limit and only ended up doing one bag per person. For shame! Think of all the comfort listed above that I could have crammed into three more suitcases!

Supplies:

Supplies outside of what I’ve mentioned above would be:

A backpack instead of a diaperbag. Something that can literally go on your back and you can use both arms to do what you need to do.

We brought only two large and two small bottles. I feel that was a mistake – we needed more than that – because washing nipples, etc. was difficult because you can’t use the water. If I went again, I would take 5 large bottles only. Forget the little ones, unless you are adopting a very young infant that’s only on four ounces per feeding. We used the Playtex Drop-Ins system and it saved us. Drop in the bag (it’s fitted to the bottle), fill with formula, add water and shake. When baby is done, toss the bag and start over. Piece of cake. Much easier than having to wash the bottles too.

Practical baby clothes. You need two cute outfits. One for a special night out or even your Embassy Appointment (but really, you don’t even need it for that), and one for when you come off the plane back home and everyone gets to see your little baby in all their cuteness. Otherwise, stick to the basics. Easy on and easy off. User friendly and comfortable for baby. Just trust me. This was HUGE. I only brought two blankets and that was a mistake. Wished I had more when he was throwing up. Only brought two burp clothes – darnit. Only brought two bibs – amateur. If you’re adopting a baby – be wise, unlike me, and pack appropriately. We spent our “fun” money on extras that we could have brought from home.

We found the wipes, diapers, and formula at the local store to be perfectly fine. So was thier supply of baby food solids and cereals. Don’t pack all that. Just ask to be taken to Bambi. You’ll be fine. I am a bit of diaper snob, so I was worried about their diapers, but no reason to be. They were nice. I would still pack 50 with you. You’ll still need more – especially if baby is sick.

We packed jumbo travel size shampoo, soap and conditioners, as well as shaving cream, razors, and toothpaste. When it came time to leave, we dumped it. Helped a lot!

We brought several toys with us, but made sure they were small. This worked well. Bring a teething ring – Quint went for it big time. I don’t think he’d ever had anything to gnaw on, because it was in his mouth constantly, and he wasn’t even teething. We also brought a pacifier, and he loved it. Just be practical – he was much more entertained by paper, as I’ve said, than anything we brought with us.

For those of you adopting an older child: our travel family adopted a five year old and I thought they were brilliant with their planning. They took a fun activity for their daughter to unwrap and do each day. In addition, they packed a Hello Kitty Backpack (adorable!!) with tons of little surprises and activities for her to delve into on the plane. Because she was so excited about the backpack, they decided to let her get into it a little each day and she was thrilled! I’ve never seen such a happy face. They brought a beautiful doll for her and she loved it. Took it everywhere we went. The activities saved them. Coloring, clay, yarn projects, cards, games, etc. Too fun!

Support:

In retrospect, if we could have taken a relative along, that might have helped. We were sick and exhausted and it would have been nice to have reinforcements. On the other hand, this is a life changing and huge nuclear family moment. Having someone else along, even a close family member, might be awkward for some. You really have to decide what’s the most comfortable for you. Keeping in mind that in close quarters, together 24/7, and a 3^rd world country – you might get a little sick of each other ten minutes into the trip. Anton and I did remarkably well, considering all that stress we were under – but it really is a family decision.

Final thoughts:

Regardless, you will find on your trip that there were things you needed, didn’t need, did or did not do, and wanted or didn’t want. And your list will be different from mine, most likely. It’s all dependent on where you stay, what time of year you travel, if you get sick, if your child or children get or are sick, etc. Lots of factors and lots of solutions.

Most importantly I would say that my journey was my own and the negative things that I encountered were my impression. They were also seen through the veil of tremendous physical strain. You may find your stay quite nice and much like a vacation. Others I have read, have felt this way. Some have written to me to say they felt the overall air of Addis was “depressed” and so too, were they - as a result. You must prepare yourself for both – but keep your expectations at a reasonable level. I read about a gal adopting twins who literally was vomiting and passed out as her children were being brought out to her for the first time. Talk about a disappointing “gotcha” moment for her! It’s never to infer the journey is not worth it or rewarding – because it’s both. It’s only to say that you must be prepared to leave the story book ideas at home and keep a very open mind about what you will see, hear, and most importantly feel.

Say to yourself “this might be the hardest trip we will ever make, or it might be the most amazing thing we’ve ever seen – either way, the reward will outweigh anything else”.

I hope that each of you embarking down this road will find, as we did, that the journey to your child(ren), though paved with many challenges, was worth every single step, every single feeling (lousy or happy) and rewarding beyond measure.

Wishing you all the best on your journey!! I’ll need updates from you – that’s the “fee” for the post…(tee hee)