The Family Portrait

I'm sure many of us can point to very specific times in our lives when our "family portrait" wasn't quite where we envisioned it would be, or where we wanted it.  I'm sure we can recall the sting of feeling something was missing. 
 
Someone was missing.
  
I don't usually forget how that sting felt for long, but I guess sometimes I might lose sight of it in the hurry and stress of the day...
 
…I might forget the way that pang always seemed to follow me around - reminding me that there was this huge part of my heart out there in the world somewhere - and I just couldn't seem to reach it, no matter how hard I fought for it or longed for it.
 
And so now and again, I remind myself to look around and see that I have indeed reached it.  I found those pieces of my heart.
 
Twice.
 
And my new “family portrait” is a nice little piece of "just perfect"...goofy grins and all. 
 

Her Royal Highness, The Princess of the King

It’s hard to feel like a Royal Princess, isn’t it?  But if God is our King, and we are His children…well...

I don't know how you spend your days.  But lately? 

I spend the majority of my days changing diapers, serving meals, acting as a referee for toddler spats, raising my voice far too much, kissing ouchies, grooming hair, washing faces and hands, cleaning dishes, sorting mounds of dirty and then clean laundry, feeding the dog, wiping counters, cleaning up spills, solving earth shattering issues like who took what toy from whom and when will he or she give it back - and all while shlubbing around in grubby sweats and a stained t-shirt with yesterday’s remnant makeup on and frizzy hair piled high on my head. 

Doesn’t that sound sooooo glamorous? 

Doesn’t that sound sooooo familiar?

Not much like a Royal Princess is it?

It’s hard to keep an eternal perspective when you’re knee deep in daily life.  Hard to keep your focus fixed on the Lord, when all you really want to do is find a corner to cry in.  Or sleep.  Whichever. 

But do you know what God says in 1 Peter 2:9?

^“But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.”

What a proclamation over our lives!  Ladies – this is BIG STUFF!  Why have we been given such a title?  Well, the verse tells us, doesn’t it?  To DECLARE the praises of the One who gave us that title! 

Do you think that God knew full well when He made me that I would have days (many, many days) like the one I described above?  That I would have moments where I felt I could not raise another finger to do my “duty” as wife and mother?  And do you think He knew that when He granted me with that glorious title, there might be some times that I would feel less like royalty and more like a lowly servant?

Yes!  Of course, He did!  And that’s why His loving care and demonstrative words in 1 Peter give me such HOPE!  He knew me and YET He loved me and gave me His favor!

Even on my worst, hardest day – I am still all of those things to God.  He doesn’t see the worn out sweats and stained t-shirt…He sees ME.  His Daughter!  His Princess!  His special, holy, chosen child! 

And I believe He really wants us to remember that even during these difficult “trench living” years – you are still offering a Praise offering to God.  Serving my children and helping them to grow in God’s purpose…even when it just means feeding, dressing, brushing teeth, and reading the same story over and over and over again, and yes – even resolving toddler spats - that’s still a beautiful declaration of praise to a Living Holy God!  The same God who loves my children with a burning passion!  The same God who has called them out of darkness and into the light!  Out of all the mother’s the world over – He put them in my care.  What an awesome commission!  Knowing I would have days like today.  Days like the one I’ve shared with you.  He knows they are right where they are supposed to be.  And that’s what we have to remember.  You are never out of His love. 

For me, it’s so hard to remember to live in that place.  But this is TRUTH to walk in – You ARE: Chosen.  Royal.  Holy. God’s SPECIAL possession.  And our response?  “Declare the praises of Him who called you OUT of darkness into His wonderful LIGHT”!

I don’t know how you do it over in your world, but at my place…some days can feel like an awful lot of darkness.  Not because I’m wallowing in depression.  No.  Because I’m muddling through Life!  For me, that’s the grind of living in the toddler trenches.  For you?  Maybe that’s the stress of trying to start a family.  Or perhaps the pressures of trying to raise Godly teenagers.  Or maybe just trying to fulfill your career path in a hustle and bustle fast paced office! 

It's easy to forget that God is at work for GOOD for those who Love Him! Romans 8:28 reminds us:

^“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

So let’s review:

Only the good things in our lives? 

All things!

Even when my kids aren’t behaving and the laundry is piled up and I can’t remember what I’m doing after circling the house three times??

All things!

Even when my boss is disappointed in me or doesn’t take notice when I do great things?

All things!

Even when we feel hopeless?  Or sad?  Or unsure?

Sweet friends, ALL THINGS.  God works for the GOOD of those who love Him.  That means that even if you’re too tired to make things good today – or even tomorrow…God is still at work for GOOD.  You are still his SPECIAL POSESSION.  His treasure. 

You are still His Princess.  No matter what your t-shirt looks like.  Or your hair.  Or how high your laundry is piled up.

Be proud of where you are. 

Be proud of who you are. 

And let your life praise the One who has called you out of darkness and into His wonderful light…

This, that, or the other…

My husband asked when I was going to post again.  That’s pretty sad, isn’t it?  And I admit, it’s been a bit sparse around here.  Is it just me?  Is it truly like with the impending feeling of Spring around the corner also came an overwhelming amount of things to accomplish?  I don’t know what it is, but I am buried.  In work, parenting, appointments, and life.  I could make a list, but don’t we all have pretty much the same list?  Life happens.  And before we know it, we’re posting only once a week…ish.  Sad, sad, sad state of affairs my friends.

So rather than regale you with the details of how the “list” has worn me so very thin and made me feel like a hibernation sleep session that lasts a minimum of 1 year would not be such a bad thing, I’ll give you some bullets.  Cuz’ everyone can do bullets, right?  I mean, that’s a no brainer…ish. 

• The blog design business?  That “little” thing I thought would be fun?  Holy cow!  No foolin’ people…it has blown up!  And it IS fun.  So happy – but wowza…
• I’ve decided to attend a Ladies Retreat that my church is hosting.  All the retreats I’ve attended in the past have been in cabin-esque type places.  Beautiful – but typically you share a cabin with up to 6 other women.  Now, not to diminish this, because I have made some wonderful relationships in this way.  However, this time the Retreat is at a Hotel.  A Hotel people.  An honest to goodness Hotel.  As in amenities.  As in turn down service.  As in fresh white towels.  So I knew what had to be done.  I pleaded with AB to consider that what I really needed on this Ladies Retreat was just that…a RETREAT.  Since one of the options was a room to yourself…with a King bed, (did I mention white towels and cable and lots of pillows all to yourself?) well, I might have begged asked to do that with extreme glee.  Get a room by myself.  Because I’m all for doing all the fun eating/playing/activities/sessions during the day – but then to be able to go to my room at the end of the day and be ALONE.  Shhhh.  Do you hear that?  That’s me.  Alone.  In my hotel room.  And there is silence.  Peace.  Quiet.  And towels.  That I didn’t have to wash or fold.  Just throwing that in there.  So people – I’m going!  You’ll hear my squeals of JOY as I drive to said Hotel and experience an entire weekend of ME time.  Don’t be alarmed.  It’s just me.  Alone.  And no one will need anything from me for three days.  Oh my gosh…I could cry.  
• Easter is like, what…tomorrow or something?  Because that décor is everywhere.  And the Cadbury Eggs – which I’m definitely not opposed to – are now showing up in multi packs and mini packs and all over the good world.  Man, it truly is the most wonderful time of the year.  Ahem.
• There is disturbing news coming out of Ethiopia in the adoption world.  This is just sad and sorry and I’m happy that we are not in the process right now.  After everything we went through during our wait with China – my head just might pop off if I was trying to do this right now.  Give me a break!  What about the kids, people?!?  They are no less an orphan today as they will be tomorrow…and especially not if you keep this kind of stuff up.  Tear the whole structure down when one board is lose?  GAH!
• Those "little" heart matters that I intimated in the post before last are still there – of course.  Still ugly. Still trying to figure out a solid way to rid myself of them.  But I’ve taken a lot of comfort in encouragement from others – especially those who have reminded me that RECOGNIZING I even have issues that need work and that I AM in charge of fixing those things was a big move.  And it’s true.  I love to place blame on anyone but me.  Isn’t that delightful?  Don’t you just want to get coffee together now?  (cough)  So, yes.  Still working on it.  Gonna be a long process – I can see. 
• Is anyone looking forward to summer like I am?  I can’t help it.  I know I’m jumping ahead here…but I’m so ready for VACATION.  You heard me.  La Cabin calls……
• I was thinking it would be fun for AB and I to host a weekly Vlog (video-blog, ma).  (See, I made a funny there.  That was for my “ma” because she’ll read that and say “what in the hootin’ hollerin’ is a ‘vlog?!?”…now she knows.)  Won’t you just love to see our mugs interacting?  I mean, people will tune in for that, right?  Anyone?  Hello?  (crickets)
• Pictures?  Anyone?  Here’s what I love:  I love that when Anton can be home and being that he loves to cook – he is often on the kitchen.  Well, little man just LOVES to help.  So here’s what I love.  I love that Anton has the patience of a saint and teaches his 3 year old how to cook.  That’s what I love.  When I see Quint stirring up some awesome sauce for this or that?  Well, that's just...mmm mmm good! 

I love this kid!  Green tomatoes, anyone?

So anywhoooo, I’m not gonna make any grandiose promises about how I’ll blog more or do better or whatever.  Life is for the living.  If I’m gone for a week at a time for awhile, just know that it in NO WAY indicates a stop to writing.  But rather a full, busy, and active life.  Stories are building up to be shared, and I have no intention to stop telling them.  Sometimes you just need a little breather, eh?  Lots of “heart” stuff happening that I’ll love sharing with you – but I figure I’ll give them a chance to kick in, before I start blathering about how much I’ve changed…nothing worse than someone who brags how different they are only slip back to exactly the person they were.  Yuck.  And since my wonderful husband reads this blog faithfully – bless his heart – I will spare myself the shame of being dishonest about how I’m doing with my attitude adjustment, eh? 

Everyone have a great weekend!!

A Pity-Party and Forgiveness

“I don’t like you, Mommy…I like Daddy!  I want Mommy go to work and Daddy stay home!"

He wasn’t mad.  He wasn’t angry.  He wasn’t frustrated.  We weren’t in the heat of a battle of wills. 

He was matter of fact in his tone.  Stating something that he thought I should know.

And I was eating a bowl of Ramen noodles and they were eating fruit and yogurt and hot dogs.  It was an ordinary night.  Daddy was working.  We were home and going through our routine.

But this was not part of the routine; this unexpected declaration of feelings.

Over that bowl of Ramen…I looked up at him with wide eyes.  Speechless.  He had never said anything of this sort in the past.

And before I could stop myself, tears began to well up and over my eyes…spilling down my face.  It was like a flash flood of the eyeballs. 

Try though I might to stop them from flowing, I could not contain how that simple sentence had wounded me. 

Yes, he’s three.  No, he doesn’t mean it.  {I think}.  Of course, he didn’t mean to be malicious or hurt me.  He was just being honest in that moment. 

He misses his Daddy.  He wished Daddy was there.  He isn’t always so fond of me, because we butt heads, he and I. 

And that’s actually alright – because the feeling is quite mutual.  I’m not always so fond of me either and I’d like to see more of Daddy too.

But in this moment, it cut deep.  I knew the intent.  Sort of.  And I recognized that the source of my pain in that moment had only "walked the earth" less than 40 months.  Still…

I felt broken by those words. 

“I don’t like you, Mommy”.

Oh!  The pity-party had begun.  After of all the hard work…all the pouring ALL. OF. ME. into that child day in and day out, going on 32 of those 40 months now.  The sleepless nights.  The exhaustion.  The sacrifice.  All for that simple sentence to come flying out of his mouth in all of his 3-year-old apathy.   I was crushed!

“I want Mommy go to work and Daddy stay home!"

First of all you “short, misinformed, know it all” …I DO go to work every day.  Hello?  What is this I’m doing right now?  Not only do I take care of you and your sister from dawn to dusk, but I have not one but TWO jobs that I work from home.  Sleep is like a dream that I sometimes get a glimpse of.  {actually, I do get at least five hours a night – and I’ll take them!}  I don’t even know my middle name anymore! {actually, I do…since it’s what I "go by"}  I haven’t worn makeup in three years!  {actually, I have it on now}  I can’t even remember what your father looks like, I’m so knee deep in potty time and diapers and meals and toys and butt creams!  {actually, we had lunch today with Daddy}  Mind you, I didn’t say any of this to him, but boy oh boy, did it run through my mind like a bullet train. 

I was feeling so sorry for myself and I cried and cried.  Not all crazy and outloud or anything.  Just like pathetic tears falling frantically into my soup.  Literally.  I was crying in my soup.  Oh my gosh.  I’m a cliché!

Soon after, Quint noticed my tears and leaned over.  He said:

“Mommy?  Wrong?”

“I’m sad,”  I replied.  And more tears hit the chicken broth.  “I’m sad because you said that you don’t like me.  And it really hurt my feelings because I love you so much.”

“Oh.”  And then he smiled.  A kind of coy smile.  Knowing.  I won't even delve into the psycho-analysis of your toddler smiling when he's hurt you.  I don't even think he knew how to react to what I had said and his smiling was a nervous response.  And I might have even taken the time to chastise him for that smile, save the fact that I rushed away to grab a tissue and spare my dinner getting completely watered down.

As I sat back down he stared at me.  For a long time.  And I held my tissue and tried my darndest to “dry it up”.  Finally he reached over and patted my arm.

“Mommy?  Me like you.  Me like you AND Daddy.  Ok?  Me love you.  Ok?”

“Ok, Quint.”  Drying my eyes and trying to let it go.

“Mommy? …………..Sorry….”

And just like that.  It was better.  It was done and we moved on.  With his rejection in one moment, I was crushed and broken.  Because I have given him my everything.  And then he spoke one little word and it was better.  Because I love him.  And I forgive him. 

And the point of this post?  Not just to make you say, “been there!” {I’m sure many of you have}  Not just to make you giggle a bit or feel bad a bit. {though I hope you did...giggle that is}

The point is, as I dried my tears and resumed my eating and life went on…I felt a picture coming into my mind.  A picture of a heavenly Father {stay with me} who loves us beyond comprehension. 

Beyond any other measure.  Who made us.  Lavished us with His bountiful creation.  Cares for us.  Watches over us.  Listens to us.  Rejoices in our success.  Hold us up when we fall and comforts us when we cry.

From dawn to dusk and dusk to dawn again.  Never resting.  Always with His eyes upon us. Always keeping His "little sparrows" in His line of vision.

Every. Single. Moment. of our lives.  Caring for and loving us deeply.

And Who, gave up everything He had for our sake; His Son.

I’m sad to think of how many times I have grieved the heart of God with my choices and my often flagrant disregard for all He has done for me and all He has done in my life. 

How often do we say to Him with our words or even our actions:

I don’t like You

I don’t trust You

I don’t love You

Maybe even, “I don’t acknowledge You”

How much does that grieve God’s heart?  I don’t even like to think about it.  Let alone realize how many times I have behaved as if I felt that way.

Thankfully, God doesn’t hang onto my short-comings.  He is a gentle, caring, and faithful Father who loves us anyway…despite the words that come flying out of our mouths.  Even when we wound His heart, His love for us is so much greater.  Nothing can separate us from the Love of God!

For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. {Romans 8:38-39}

That is POWERFUL! 

The emotions I felt….I'm telling you - I wanted to run out of the room and cry and feel sorry for myself all over the place when Quint said he didn’t like me.  It's silly maybe - to let it get to me that way.  I like to think I'm made of tougher stuff than that.  But I wanted to shout out all the things I had done for him.  I wanted to list off all of my good qualities and why he should see that I’m the best thing that ever happened to him. I wanted him to see me.

Despite our turning our eyes the other way, God keeps His focus trained on you.  He does not run away.  He does not bury his head.  He does not shout at us.  {well, maybe sometimes…to me anyway} Instead, He seeks us out.  He comes after us with an intense passion and love.  He has called you by name and you are HIS.  He is not letting you go…

When we ask for His forgiveness, the Bible says He is generous and forgives us – out of his Deep Abiding Love for us.

Who is a God like you, who pardons sin and forgives the transgression of the remnant of his inheritance? You do not stay angry forever but delight to show mercy. You will again have compassion on us; you will tread our sins underfoot and hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea. {Micah 7:18-19}

I don’t know about you, but I’m so glad that God is willing to “hurl” my sins into the depths of the sea!  I’m so grateful that He is always showing us – even in our everyday lives, if we are willing to see – that He loves us and is at work even when we have our own pity parties – He still works out our lives for His glory! 

Forgive me Lord, for putting You through my selfish, short, misinformed, know it all attitude.

I like you.  A lot. 

I love You.

And I’m sorry…