Finding Peace

Maybe you're just wondering what's taking so long

What is there to say that's taking so long to say it? maybe you wonder

The truth is, you could click a hundred other blogs and read about a trip to Chin@

You could do that right now

Invariably they would tell a similar experience

A plane ride, a hotel or maybe four

exotic food or not, a crib in the room waiting

site-seeing and pictures

the excitement

the blur of emotion

That Moment

all the paperwork after

the bonding

the fatigue, being ready to come home, and the plane ride

the jet-lag and all that it entails and the new life that continues on and starts over

And I could do that too

I could

It's similar in a blurry kind of way, I guess

If you squint and stand behind the line

You could read it that way

I could read it that way

I'd like to read it that way, actually

I'd like to write it that way and leave it alone

but I can't

I've tried

I just can't

it's not truth

it's not me

it's not her

after four years...no, more than that

the telling deserves better

in this situation

because I think you know

you must at this point

that The Moment and the many after

have not been easy

have not been simple or peaceful or quiet

have not been lovely

if you're outside looking in, some of them have been

a few of them

and when she sleeps, it's as if they all have been

but that's not truth

and I want you to have the truth, actually

because it matters

it does

for you who are waiting

for you who are home already

for you who also feel it but have not verbalized it

for me

and for her

it matters

it's her story and it's worth telling

pain is not pretty

but there is beauty underneath it

it matters

and I promise to share it with you

I just need time


for me


and for her...

Peaking out behind the sadness is a little girl so lovely

so sweet ...

so charming...

so lovable ...

it takes my breath away...

Let Mommy love you, sweet girl 

You're safe now

You're safe

Grief Unwinding

 

Sorrow you can hold, however desolating, if nobody speaks to you.  If they speak, you break down.  

~Bede Jarrett

 

While grief is fresh, every attempt to divert only irritates.  You must wait till it be digested, and then amusement will dissipate the remains of it.  

~Samuel Johnson 

 Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.  

~William Shakespeare

Grief is itself a medicine.  

~William Cowper, Charity

Man, when he does not grieve, hardly exists.  

~Antonio Porchia, Voces, 1943

 

Sorrow makes us all children again - destroys all differences of intellect.  The wisest know nothing.  

~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Even hundredfold grief is divisible by love.  ~Jareb Teague

We're counting on it...

Resting

 

 Photo taken by AB ~ Guangzhou, China

Right now, we're resting

Putting into words what we experienced as a whole

it's just too much for now

even though I keep pondering it

thinking about it

hoping to expend the vastness of it

put it down somewhere

somewhere that it can be looked at later as a tiny roadbump

or maybe just a season

to be honest

We're still tired

Still emotional

Still forcing our tired bodies and minds to recall the timezone

and the children,

they're resilient, yet they too are resting in many ways

We've had a life change that supersedes most all the others

Life and Loss take priority and top spot among all changes

we're celebrating new Life

but our little one is still mourning deep Loss

so we are sharing two extremes

and finding them not ready just yet to meet in the middle

we prepare for what we can, even four years worth of preparation

we make way for change

but you can't really prepare fully

you can't know before hand what will be after

how it will look

how it will feel

how it will rest on your heart or your soul

You can wait and watch and listen

you can love and be still

love and be still some more

you can't expect

you can't arrange things neatly

you can't do anything to speed it along

just love and be still

So...

Right now, we're resting

Resting our bodies, our lungs, our still tired limbs...

Resting our minds and our thoughts...

Resting our reflections and our emotions...

We're resting

When the story is ready to be told

I'll be writing it as I have done before

Love your children...and be still